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Jean A. Costa /  Blog
July 28, 2013 In Faith

Shame On You!

Affirmation:  I release myself from shame.
“Shame on you!”  This phrase can sometimes be accompanied by an accuser wagging his or her index finger at you while they are saying it.  “Shame on you!”  Does anyone use that phrase anymore?  I hope not but whether it’s said or not, many people carry around a deep sense of shame even if they don’t understand its meaning.  My study group is in the process of reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and one of her main topics is shame.
Is shame different than guilt?  Can it possibly be a useful emotion, one that might help someone become healthier and more productive?  Could it possibly help someone at least become kind and compassionate?  No, I don’t believe it helps  
 in anyway.  In fact when I Googled it one of the phrases used to describe shame was an “unhealthy emotion.”  I think when someone is pointing their finger at you and saying, “Shame on you.” It’s no different than them cursing you and telling you to, “Go to Hell!”  There is no redeeming value in their condemnation. They are condemning you as a person; they are not condemning your behavior and that’s where the difference comes in between shame and guilt.  
Shame is when you feel like you are unworthy because you believe there is something inherently wrong with you; you are a bad person.  Guilt is when your behavior is faulty and because of it, because of your humanity, you’ve made a mistake, you’ve done something wrong.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t have to be someone other than ourselves pointing that finger.  Many of us are very adept at saying, “Shame on me!”  That too is not doing anything to help you create a better life.  One needs to fully comprehend the difference between believing they are inherently evil and that they have done an evil thing and can make amends and go onto change their behavior. 
I believe many people suffer from shame because of what they were told as a child by some authority figure, either a parent, teacher or some other misguided authority figure or even worse, something that was done to them as a child.  Those who make it to adulthood and don’t suffer from the malady of shame are either completely skewed or had some wonderful people in their lives who with their affirmations diffused those who attempted to harm them.They gave them the gift of discernment.  I’ve had many people tell me their religion made them feel worthless and shameful.  I can see how that might happen but at some point don’t you think you have to shuck off that mantle and decide what empowers you and what is hurting you, instead of blaming it on something in your past?  How is that done?
That’s why I started this site.  To give people the opportunity to think about their beliefs and whether or not those beliefs are enhancing their lives or diminishing their lives.  When discussing this specific topic with a friend she told me SHAME was an acronym for “should have already mastered everything.”  I don’t think she was talking about our hobbies, although I believe how we approach our hobbies is a reflection of how we feel about the more important aspects of our lives, like our faith and our relationships.  Perfection is the birthplace of shame.  We may have a belief system that has led us to a point where we expect so very much from ourselves.  There seems to be a fine line between expecting to do something perfectly and setting the bar so low that we never excel at anything.  If you follow this blog, you know that I have recently raised the bar on both my golf game and my fiddle playing.  There’s no way to keep score for fiddle improvement so since I’ve been practicing almost daily, I’ll give myself credit for improving.  Golf, however, is very different.  Each swing no matter how big or small, near or far counts equally.  Gauging my improvement or lack thereof is very easy.  

Soon after writing the Never Give Up blog, but after some additional practice and a lesson I headed out to play with “the big girls.”  What a lesson in life for me.  I was abysmal!  Notice the phrase carefully.  I didn’t write, “My game was abysmal.”  I fully felt like there was something inherently wrong with me.  When describing my experience to a dear friend and life-long golfer I was hoping for some great insight to dispel how embarrassed and actually ashamed I was by my performance.  In retrospect I am so grateful to have had this experience.  It was non-threatening, even trivial in some way but because I’ve been studying Daring Greatly, it gave me a great opportunity to see how I can point that finger of shame at myself and suffer that unhealthy emotion.
My friend and her husband said all the right things.  There they are, the people we all need in our lives to lift us up and affirm our personhood.  I wasn’t being silly.  “It was easy to beat ourselves up over our performances.”  They had had exactly the same experiences.  With their encouragement and a few more lessons from my coach and number one fan, my husband, Sandy, I took the lessons of golf and life that I had just learned and headed out to play once again.  I headed out with a whole new attitude.  I would do my very best and no matter what, I would have fun.  I would enjoy my time.  I would not beat myself up.  I felt differently heading out and I think that alone helped me play better.  A life lesson for me.  Do my best and choose to enjoy whatever I’m involved with.  And, when I’m shamed either by myself or another, take it to those who love me and let them help lift me back up to a place of light and joy.
Shame is a disease of the spirit, not the mind.  This is probably why religion has been so successful at using shame as a tool to control their flocks.  We don’t really need to be reminded of our sinful nature, most of us are very aware of our imperfections.  What we really need is encouragement and healing.  That too is available through most faiths.  Unfortunately, we must sift through the fire and brimstone to find it but it is there.  That’s where the healing is too.  It’s in the attention to spirit.  In fact, I firmly believe once we ask for healing, the Universe will gather all its forces to begin the process and will come to us in ways in which we never even dreamed.  
I am a great believer in the Holy Spirit.  Oh I am sure there are many many names given  the Holy Spirit by all those that believe there is a power greater than anything of which we have an inkling.  Give it any name you like.  It’s that life force that penetrates the very core of every living thing.  It’s available to all of us but most of us are simply too busy or too thick to notice it.  When we sit in silence and invite Divine Energy into our lives and our beings, miracles occur, healing occurs.  This is the antidote to shame.  We invite God into every cell of our beings.  We are part of the Divine.  It is our birthright to share in the holiness and glory of God.  Once we acknowledge our connection and our heritage to God’s Divine gifts, healing begins.  
July 14, 2013 In Uncategorized

The Demise of Cursive Writing

Affirmation:  I am a life-long learner.

The
conversation with my children was about writing.  It wasn’t about creative writing, it was
about penmanship.  Well there’s an old
fashioned word.  I didn’t know how outdated
it was until we had this discussion.  I
was informed by my adult daughter, Melissa, that cursive writing was no longer
part of the core curriculum in the North Carolina school system.  After the third grade, children are not
taught how to write long-hand.  I’m still
in shock.  I’ve been writing three pages
of long-hand in my journal every morning for over fifteen years.  My adult son, Joey, went onto say that he
almost never uses a pen or a pencil. 
When he does, he finds them awkward to use.  His writing method is almost always a keyboard.  Penmanship is no longer considered an
essential life skill.

That
certainly wasn’t true when I was in school. 
The cursive alphabet was on long strips of black paper resting above the
black board.  Yes, the board was black,
not white and we used chalk not erasable magic markers.  There were several lines on the paper and
each one was a height that determined where a loop, a “t”, an
“i” or a capital letter was to land on the page.  We were handed blank lined pages and the
students tried to copy the letters onto the paper from the form above the
boards.  We used number 2 pencils with
erasers.  I loved it!  I liked the form and the lines for guidance
and the feel of the pencil on the paper and I loved seeing the letters take
shape and appear on the page.  I became a
math teacher later in life.  I was never
much for coloring outside the lines so it seems fairly understandable why I
liked the rigid format that was used to learn cursive. 

I’ve
always been fascinated by hand writing. 
Some is so legible and others completely illegible.  Some is neat and clean and others are
sloppy.  Some is flowery and others are
straight up and down.  People have made a
living “reading” hand writing. 
They are supposed to be able to figure out a person’s personality from
what their hand writing looks like.  Not
anymore!  Did you ever watch a detective
show where the sleuth looked at a type written note and determined whether
someone was right handed or left handed because of how some of the letters
appeared darker; they had been hit harder by the dominant hand?  Not anymore! 
I went to summer school to learn how to type.  My mother told me it was an invaluable life
skill.  She was right!  The key board I use today is laid out exactly
the same as the one that was on my manual typewriter.  If you don’t know what a typewriter looks
like, Google it. But, they don’t teach typing in school anymore
either.  I think it comes already hard
wired in the brains of anyone born after 1990. 
I’ve seen two year olds working a computer key board. 

Reading,
writing and arithmetic were the three “Rs” that we were told were the
core skills we would need for life.  The
question about why we needed to learn mathematics when most people would never
use it once they were out of school is decades old.  As a math teacher, I sometimes wondered the
same thing but I knew the value of making the brain work in different ways and
for me there was always a great satisfaction in solving a problem correctly.  I loved solving the “puzzle.” But,
it’s true; most people didn’t have any use for Algebra or Geometry or Trig.
once they have finished with the class. 
Now, most people don’t even need to know the basics of math.  There’s a calculator on every phone.  It appears to be one more life skill we no
longer need. 

So, that
leaves reading as the last core skill we were told we needed.  I can’t imagine not reading. I love a good
book.  Recently I had cataract surgery
and the lenses that were implanted were determined by whether or not I read
books and papers regularly or if I read from a computer.  Can you imagine not being able to read?  There are organizations dedicated to teaching
adults how to read.  It seems it still is
an essential life skill.  But, I wonder
will that always be true?  Recently, I
downloaded an app called OverDrive.  It
allows me to connect to my library and to download audio books onto my phone or
iPad.  I can then listen to the book
wherever and whenever I want.  I know
there have been audio books for decades but now they are prolific and free; for
many it’s their preferred way to “read” a book.  What does this foretell?

If we
don’t need to learn the three “Rs” any longer, what do we need to
learn or even more important, what do we need to be teaching?  What are the schools focusing on that is
preparing our young people to live meaningful, productive lives?  We have several people in the family who have
been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. 
I know it is more commonly diagnosed today than ever before.  I’m not sure if it’s because more people
struggle with it or because we’re more knowledgeable about it.  My youngest grandson was really struggling in
his traditional middle school because of ADD. 
We were fortunate to find a small private local school that had a
different, more hands-on approach to learning. 
Once there he blossomed both mentally and emotionally.  His learning “style” needed a place
with a different environment in order for it to take root.  What is he learning at his new school that is
different from the other one?  He’s
learning how to learn. 

Let’s
face it all the information we need or want to learn  is available to us
in one form or another.  Today it’s even
more readily available because of our access to the Internet.  I am in awe of the range of information
available online.  There are lessons on
everything!  There are lessons about
things I probably don’t want know anything about.  I have, however, looked up music lessons and
how to fix different things.  My son uses
the Internet to renovate equipment, like boats, cars, engines and all sorts of
electronic equipment.  The other day our
refrigerator broke down and the first thing we did, after throwing away the
perishables was to go online to see if we could diagnose it and fix it
ourselves.  Owen is always telling me
about different places he’s never been to or about scientific data he’s looked
up.  It’s beyond exciting!  Back in March of 2013 he pretended to be a
reporter and interviewed Galileo about his theories.  My husband, Sandy, played the role of the
famous scientist.  It was for Owen’s
science project.  Everyone learned
something and it was fun. 

I’d like
to think that our educational system is closely examining what our young people
need to learn in order to be productive healthy citizens.  What do you think the new core skills should
be?  It seems to me one of the most
important ones would be to learn how to learn. 
Owen is an experiential learner. 
Once he discovered that, he found he can learn whatever he wants.  I am mainly an auditory learner.  If I had known that earlier on, learning
would have come a lot easier to me.  Some
of us are visual; others need a variety of approaches. Once we’ve learned how
to gather the information, the rest is just doing it.  But what other core skills do we want our
children to master?  What are the
essential life skills?  If it’s true we
learn all we need to know in Kindergarten, what are we doing with the rest of
our years of schooling?  How about
focusing on the Golden Rule?  “Do
unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  How about the Ten Commandments?  What about relationship skills: how to
resolve conflict, how to create community, how to get your needs met without
hurting another?  What if the three
“Rs” morphed into the three “Cs”: compassion, communication
and cooperation? 

Yes, we
still need to know how to read and write, if not in cursive than at least we
need to know how to compose a grammatically correct sentence.  But, the key to all of this is it’s not so
much what we learn but that we do learn and not just while we’re in school but
for as long as we’re alive.  Expand your
knowledge.  Go out there and learn about
life, learn about living, learn whatever it is that makes you feel fully
alive.  Then perhaps you’ll write about
it.  Perhaps you’ll share it with the
world.  Who knows maybe someday someone
will download it and listen to it. 

July 4, 2013 In Uncategorized

Never Give Up

Affirmation:  Because of visualization and dedication, I am
a remarkable golfer and a terrific fiddler.

Once
again I am learning about who I am and how I approach life by two of the more
challenging hobbies I have chosen to pursue for these many years.  I hate to quit at something I’ve made up my
mind to learn.  My learning style is more
about being slow and steady.  I have
discovered that as long as I don’t give up, sooner or later I can become fairly
proficient at what I want to do.  I do
have a tendency to think of myself as a “jack of all trades, a master of
none.”  That’s not a very positive
affirmation, is it?  In some ways it has
served me well because I will attempt to do something regardless of my
knowledge or skill level.  I don’t think
I have to be perfect.  I don’t expect
perfection so why not give it a shot. 
Unfortunately for me, however, I have a tendency to focus on those
things at which I am not exceptional and not claim those skills at which I am
very accomplished.  There are things I do
very well.  There are skills and talents
of which I have pursued and worked hard and feel good about but there are those
of which I have told myself I will never be masterful.  I’ve often thought there are just some things
where I reach my level of mediocrity and can’t seem to break through it or
chose not to break through it.  Golf and
fiddling are two of those things. I thought I’d made peace with that.  I thought I was just fine still plugging
along and not seeing any great improvement until my chiropractor, Joanne Noel,
took some time to help me reframe my intentions. 

I
mentioned my playing golf during my visit to her.  I’m sure I didn’t sound too excited.  “Really” I tell myself and
sometimes others, “I just play to keep my husband company and to be with
my son and daughter-in-law.  If I don’t
keep score, I’m a really good golfer. I am!”  But, I don’t know how to not keep score.  Even when I don’t write it down, I find
myself counting each stroke in my head. 
At the end of 18 holes I always know how many times I have swung the
club and it’s always a lot of times.  I
really don’t understand it.  I have a few
flubs now and then but if you were watching me I think you’d see that I hit the
ball fairly far, I have a nice short game and I’ve become a pretty good putter
but when I add all that up, it’s always a lot. 
How does one determine if a score represents a lot of swings?  It’s determined by one’s handicap and my
handicap is the highest a woman can have. 
This after playing this sport as of this year for 46 years!  

There is
not a numerical handicap to determine one’s fiddling skill.  As of this writing I  haven’t been playing the fiddle for 46
years.  I really wish I had been.  I imagine I’d be much more skilled.  Although, if my golfing skills are an
indication of how long it would take before I became a master, it might not
make much of a difference but I do imagine, I actually dream that if I’d
learned to play as a child and had practiced and played all these many years, I
would play with abandonment and I’d make this wonderful sound and perhaps I
could even play by ear.  I’d be able to
join any jam session and when the song began there I’d be fiddling along either
picking up the tune or adding to the beat with my knowledge and skill.  It’s a dream. 
It’s good to have dreams but you can sit around forever wishing
something to be true and if it involves learning and practice, it will never
happen. Never! Never! Never! 

My music
teacher, Mara Shea sent me the link to this You-tube video: Never Give Up.  If you have anything in your life you’re
working at improving, I highly recommend watching it.  It’s not about golfing or fiddling.  It’s the heroic story of a Gulf War veteran
who was left severely handicapped after his time of service.  He was told he would never be able to walk on
his own again.  It took quite a while but
he decided they were wrong and he found a teacher and began practicing
yoga.  It documents his journey.  With dedication and persistence he completely
changed his life.  I wasn’t sure if Mara
sent it to me because I am a Yoga teacher and she knew I’d love it or because
she wanted me to know that if I continue to practice and not give up, someday
my dream of being a terrific fiddler will finally come true.  Regardless of her reason, I found it to be
moving and motivational. 

My
chiropractor, Joanne Noel responded to my comments about my golf game by
telling me the story of a patient of hers who after years of being a sub par
golfer one day decided to become a scratch golfer.  That’s someone with a zero handicap.  Joanne shared that her patient hadn’t yet
reached her goal and maybe she never would but that her patient now had a
remarkable golf game.  Remarkable!  Right then and there I knew I would one day
have a remarkable golf game.  Mara Shea
encourages me to become the best fiddler I can possibly be.  She’d love to see my dream of being a
terrific fiddler come true.  Michelangelo
said, “The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high
and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.”  I have been aiming too low.  But now, I am not going to simply sit around
and wish that I become a remarkable golfer and a terrific fiddler, I have a new
affirmation and I’ve already seen the beginnings of its power.  I have a vision and I am ready to work. 

What are
your visions?  What dreams do you have
that you are willing to work at?  I could
continue writing this blog.  It’s such a
powerful concept, the concept of visualizing our lives and then stepping up our
efforts to bring our visualization into reality but, I have to go practice the
fiddle and later today, I will be practicing my golf swing.  I took a lesson this week and I need to
relearn the way I hit my clubs.  I can
already see that if I practice this new technique my swing will be more consistent
and the ball will go further.  I can see
that handicap score lowering any day now and I can hear that jam session
calling me.  I’m getting ready!
June 24, 2013 In Yoga

Savoring Life

Affirmation:  I eat mindfully
Mindfulness
is the practice of being fully aware of the present moment without
judging.  John Kabat-Zinn brought a
greater awareness to the practice back in 1970’s when he began teaching
Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). It is still taught worldwide. I
studies MBSR at Duke Integrative Medicine, NC several years ago. It’s a gift we
give ourselves when we develop the ability to be in the present moment.  It’s also the practice of a lifetime.  Most of here in the West don’t sit in a lotus
position for several hours a day chanting or focusing on a mantra (a single
word or phrase).  Most Americans are more
concerned about the past or the future and are missing whatever is happening in
the present.  In general we are a busy,
pre-occupied population.  But, most of us
are also looking for ways to improve the quality of our lives.  We are searching for that which will enhance
our daily experiences and not leave us feeling so worn out and tired.  Tools, we are looking for the tools we can
use to fix or to shape or to color our lives so that we are able to take deeper
breaths, appreciate the beauty of nature and relish the precious moments of
connection with those we love.
For many,
prayer is a powerful tool.  It’s my first
choice.  Time to communicate with my God,
time to tell Her my concerns, to offer up thanksgiving for all my blessings and
time to simply sit and listen.  It
doesn’t have to be formal prayer.  My day
is lifted up and given over to God, Jesus Christ, before I even rise from the
bed.  Then, if it’s a day of unending
activity which I must confess is not unusual, I still know that I am in prayer
mode throughout all the business. 
In yoga
the practitioner is called upon to focus on his or her breath.  Sometimes a yoga practice may only involve
pranayama, breathing techniques.  There
are many, some more elaborate than others. 
The simplest one involves watching one’s breath.  I encourage my students at the very beginning
of practice to simply notice their breath. 
“Close your eyes and begin to focus on your breath, the in and the
out, the up and the down, the rise and the fall.”  After years of beginning practice this way, I
simply need to think the words and I feel calmer.  When a group of us are all focusing on our
breath at the same time, the entire energy level in the room changes from
charged to serene. 
Another
breathing technique that can be used anywhere anytime is to simply take a deep
breath.  Breathe all the way down into
your belly and then release it.  Want to
make it even more effective, sigh it out. 
Oh, not just a little sigh, make it a full “haaaaa!”  Don’t believe it’ll make a difference?  Try it right now, do it a few times and then
just notice.  Don’t judge, just observe
if you feel any different.  I attach the
name of Jesus to my deep breaths.  It’s a
mini-prayer that I can do anywhere, anytime. 
Journaling
is also an opportunity for me to practice mindfulness.  I like to have a large mug of tea next to me;
my favorite spiral bound journal, an easy flowing ballpoint pen and a pleasant
space.  I usually write in my sun
room.  I have a nice chair and ottoman
and the room faces my garden, the bird feeders and a small waterfall.  It’s a yellow room with much of my favorite
memorabilia on the shelves.  I begin with
a prayer and then write my three pages. 
I am fully there in the time and space. 
It centers me for the day.  It
leaves me feeling grounded and calm. 
Another
way for me to practice mindfulness is when I am eating.  It’s a reciprocal process in that when I
focus on the process of eating, my eating becomes healthier.  I’m always fine tuning my diet.  I’m a moderate person, meaning I don’t usually
go overboard when I’m making changes. 
I’m a sure and steady kind of gal. I share this with you because while I
know a lot about vegan diets and vegetarian diets, I have not fully embraced
any restrictive form of eating.  I avoid
certain foods that I think aren’t my best choices, like things with sugar,
artificial colors or flavorings, foods that are heavily salted or have
preservatives.  I try to eat mostly fresh
vegetables, fruits, whole grains, fish and chicken.  I love a glass of wine periodically and
sharing an ice cream with friends or especially with a grandchild, is a real
treat for me.  I know how important it is
to eat a “good” diet.  I’m also
aware of the global impact my choices have on the rest of the world. 
When I
trained at Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, breakfast was always
silent.  It was a very educational
experience for me. I am a social eater. 
I love to sit with family and friends and share a meal and conversation.
If there’s no one around, I don’t really care if I eat or not. I’m an
“eat-to-live” person, not a “live-to-eat” person.  In order to make the best food choices for me
I decided to simply pay close attention to the eating experience.  Have you ever tried the “raisin”
experiment?  You place a single raisin in
your mouth and you don’t chew it.  You
allow it to dissolve very very slowly. 
You notice the texture, the sweetness. 
You think about how it came to become a raisin, where it was grown, who
harvested it.  It can take 10 or even 15
minutes to eat that one raisin.  It can
bring you to a whole new appreciation for every bit you take.
What is
your eating environment like?  Do you
take your time and savor each bite or have you just gone through the drive-thru
and are eating as you go?  What’s dinner
like?  Is the TV on or is the computer in
front of you?  What if you simply sat at
the table and focused on the food you are putting into your mouth and your
body?  If you ate mindfully would your
choices be different?  Mine are. We are
what we eat.  What and how we feed our
bodies, our minds and our spirits determines every cell of our being.  Slow down, breathe deeply, say grace before your meal and
savor each bite and especially each moment of your life.