compassion – Jean A. Costa

compassion

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September 16, 2015 In Affirmations, Compassion

Have Courage and Be Kind

Affirmation: I live a Christ centered life of love, hope, peace, gratitude and compassion.

LouisePenny26Book Louise Penny, the author of the crime novels about Three Pines, Canada and Inspector Gamache came to Meredith College in September of this year, 2015 to promote her newest book, The Nature of the Beast. It’s her twelfth book in this series. The auditorium was full. I guessed there to be about 300 people there. I became a fan a few years back when one of the women in my book group, Anne Brill, recommended Mrs. Penny’s work. My husband, Sandy and I like to listen to a good book if we have an extended drive and I purchased The Beautiful Mystery for us several years ago. We were immediately hooked. We can’t wait for our next long trip to delve into the newest novel and to be reunited with the inspector and the rest of our new “friends.”

ScreenShot2015-09-16at11.59.32AM Louise didn’t really speak about her books because she said she might give away some of the story line which she felt would interfere with her reader’s enjoyment. Instead she spoke about her
journey to becoming a successful writer. It wasn’t an unusual story. It took her a long time and required quite a bit of stamina and also a few serendipitous events. One event revolved around a fundraiser in a foreign country where she met her publisher, the only person with whom she had an encounter during the whole night. Her whole story was interesting but the message with which I came away was about “kindness.”

She said she modeled the inspector after her husband. If you’ve read any of her work you will know the inspector is a wonderful man. He is a family man, he cares deeply about his coworkers and he rises above the call of duty to a place of kindness and compassion. What a gift to have someone in your life like that, and especially the person with whom you’ve chosen to spend your life. I know it’s a gift because I too have a husband like that. When she spoke about the qualities these men exemplify she focused on kindness. It was a short sentence but it emphasized to
me the power of words. “It is easier to be mean than it is to be kind.” Well, I thought, isn’t that the truth!

Don’t you love it when the same message repeats itself in your life? Why, I wonder am I hearing this concept on a regular basis. What is God or simply the Universe trying to tell me? What more am I to learn? Over the last two weeks the phrase, “have courage and be kind” has appeared two more times. I bet you didn’t know that those were Cinderella’s mother’s last words to Ella. Disney’s latest adaptation of the famous fairytale added that phrase. In this edition, Cinderella wasn’t simply saved by the handsome prince, they chose to empower her with qualities that enabled her to change her life and still be compassionate. Thank heavens!

It seems to me it’s so much easier for people to be spiteful, to be right, to be “all about me and not about you.” We all recognize when we are being treating kindly. Are we called to be kind to everyone? It seems we are. We are even called to be kind to our enemies. What does that look like? Does it take more energy to be kind than mean or indifferent? Maybe it just takes a
different kind of energy. I believe it certainly takes a more conscientious effort to rise to the higher good than to sink to the lowest common denominator.

Kindness is a close relative of compassion. Many of the messages I’ve received lately in several of my readings have revolved around my responsibility to show compassion for the marginalized and suffering of the world. Compassion is kindness put into action. I believe as I age that responsibility becomes even greater. This is a time in my life when I have the luxury of having more time and how I use that time is very important. I want to leave this world a better place than I found it. I must confess there are many days when I look around and can’t even imagine what steps I can take
to help the world. It helps for me to recognize that I support several projects that reach out beyond my normal sphere of influence to the benefit of those who need exceptional help. I really can’t help the whole world but I can do some things that makes a difference or can I?

Starfish-1 Do you know the story about the boy who is throwing starfish into the ocean? A man comes along and asks him what he’s doing and he explains he’s saving lives. The man laughs and tells him he’s wasting his time; he can’t possible save all the starfish. It’s not making a difference. The boy picks up another starfish and throws it into the ocean and says, “Well, I made a difference to that one.” My sister, Gloria Hafner, was a specialized reading teacher in NY. She took one or two students at a time and helped them learn to read at or above age level. She always told anyone who would listen about her work and that she had, “made a difference to that one.”

Pope-and-Ecuadorian-woman-2015-1 At the time of this entry Pope Francis is about to come to the United States. There has been a lot of publicity revolving around his visit. His approach to the world is causing quite a stir. He seems to me to be filled with love and compassion. He wants us all to fill ourselves with these intentions and then to put them into action. He doesn’t want to hear excuses and he doesn’t want or be our judge or jury. He is encouraging everyone to hear the message of Jesus and to go forward to make the world a better place. I personally find his message and his example to be refreshing, inspirational and challenging.

One of my efforts revolves around my belief in the power of prayer. I pray the Rosary daily for those “who most need God’s mercy.” I am trusting that my prayers seep out into the universe and relieve someone’s pain and suffering. It seems to me there is so much anguish. Perhaps the world is always like it is now and we simply see it more clearly because of the media but what is taking place especially at this time with the refugees from Syria and Africa is beyond tragic.

Miracles-1 One of the conversations I’ve had recently revolved around energy and our ability to influence it. The scientist I spoke with didn’t believe there was such a thing and that the only reason there was any sort of change was due to a placebo effect. I didn’t feel qualified to argue with him but I left feeling very sad. He didn’t believe in mystery. He only believed in “mastery.” He only seemed to believe in what he could see and touch and prove. I am sure he is not alone but I need “mystery.” I need to believe that there is more to this life than what I perceive.

I don’t believe there will ever be any definite proof that our thoughts and prayers change the world but I truly believe they do. I actually embrace the mystery and imagine one day when I am no longer physically part of this world, being shown how the time and effort I made to send help to others through prayer manifested itself. It’ll be my judgment day. I’ll see where I failed to rise to the level of a higher plane and where I truly made a difference because I cared and was willing to take the time and make an effort to pray.

Maybe that’s why lately the words, “courage” and “kind” are appearing together. It may be harder to be kind than mean and kindness is a very important quality to practice but it takes courage to be compassionate. It takes the ability to “suffer with” another and that is very hard. It’s so much easier to turn off the TV or to turn away from the homeless and hungry. Pope Francis and now even
Disney are calling all of us to step outside of our comfort zone and find a way to help those in need. Perhaps it will be with prayer. Perhaps it will be only to reach out to one person, someone for whom we can claim, “it made a difference to that one.”

ScreenShot2015-09-16at12.25.49PM

December 21, 2014 In Compassion, Faith

Christmas Miracles

Affirmation: I possess the Christmas spirit all year long.

Miracle on 34th Street was released in May of 1947. It originally had the word Christmas in the title but because of the release date it was removed. How do I know this? My husband, Sandy and I went to visit his mom, Yolanda, this last weekend. She lives in Savannah, GA and they were having a fund raiser at the local original Savannah theatre showing Miracle on 34th Street. We had all seen it many times and we knew it was delightful but we went simply to share the afternoon together and to support the Humans Society. Once again, I was wrong! Watching this classic, corny movie in the midst of a crowded theatre was a remarkably different experience than watching it at home alone or in a small group. We laughed, sighed, applauded and shared all the clever and tender moments that has kept this film so meaningful.

It’s definitely a secular film. There is no mention of a God or Christ, other than in the frequently used word “Christmas” but what I consider to be the spirit of Christmas permeates every scene. Kris Kringle, The real Santa Claus only cares about making others feel valued, loved and important. It’s not about the physical gifts he’s been told to promote, it’s what they represent to the child or adult that is asking for them. He brings people together for their betterment and the betterment of all. He spreads his charm and good will like a net over everyone with whom he comes into contact. He converts the unbelieving, skeptical Maureen O’Hara and her disenchanted child, Natalie Wood into people with imagination and faith. He even converts the USPS.

I saw a cartoon this second week of December, 2014 in the USA Today where two children were standing in front of Santa and asking for world peace and good will towards men. He asked them if they’d consider an Xbox instead. The news this week was so sad and tragic that I couldn’t listen. It only took a glance at the headlines to see the horror that we are perpetuating on our fellow human being. Has the devil won? Has “Satan” truly become the ruler of this world? It would be so easy to believe we are at the end of times but it is Christmas. It’s a time to promote hope, peace and love for everyone whether one is or is not labeled “Christian.” We know what He came to do. He came to show the world that we were put here to love and to serve and that I believe, is the one true truth. He was here to raise our level of awareness to a higher purpose. He wasn’t concerned with the rules and regulations. He was only concerned with the person and their well-being. He was here to bring comfort to those who most needed it and to make uncomfortable those who are able to be of comfort.

I know there are many believers who believe theirs is the only way. There’s the joke about the Catholic, Baptists, Mormon, you choose, who arrive in heaven and ask St. Peter why he whispers every time he gets close to this huge wall that is there. Why is there a wall at all? He tells them that the Catholics, Baptists, Mormons, you choose, are on the other side of the wall and “they believe they are the only ones up here.” Oh, to be so sure. To know that because you are right, you are saved and the rest of the world is damned and how truly sad. I read a wonderful quote recently, “You can be right or you can love.”

One of my greatest strengths is my gift of perseverance. I believe it’s the reason I have accomplished most things in my life. I truly believe if I simply “hang in there” I will learn or finish whatever it is I’m working upon. The other side of perseverance is stubbornness and I am as guilty of that as I am proud of my determination. Just ask my hubby. This summer, for example, I wanted to walk a new path around Bass Lake in the NC mountains. We headed out and after an hour we hadn’t reached the lake yet. Sandy reasonably wanted to turn around. Turn around! I couldn’t even imagine it. We hadn’t even seen the lake yet. Finally, a few minutes later we arrived. I knew we were close. I was right! Now he reasonably wanted to go back the way we had come. Go back the same way! No no no! We needed to follow the path and head up the other way. I had been told it was the same distance. I knew I was right! He agreed and we got lost and four hours later, we finally found our way to our starting point.

Sandy not only didn’t leave me, he barely scolded me. He lives a life of love, not right. It wasn’t the first time he’s had to put up with my set thinking and I am here to confess he is not the only person in my life with whom I’ve exhibited this trait. It’s one of those personality shadows that interferes with the quality of my relationships and which I have only recently begun to understand. Perhaps, this is why I’ve been granted these sixty eight years of life so I can continue to recognize how flawed I truly am. What was Pope Francis’ first message? “I am a sinner, pray for me.” Oh, yes, we are all flawed but as long as we don’t believe we are above or beyond anyone else, we can embrace our humanness and know that God created us just as we are. She/He created the the miracles of this universe and we are, each one of us, one of those miracles.

Christmas is not an easy holiday for many many people but perhaps it’s because the true meaning has been lost. Christ is coming, God. He comes again and again every year and I believe he remains with all those who choose to love, care and be of service to the world. The Christ, the Savior is here in the hearts of all who know the importance of spreading the net of compassion and love over everyone whose lives they touch. That miracle on 34th street is the miracle that can be ours should we choose to open our minds and our hearts to The Christ.

May you have a Blessed Holiday Season and a life filled with the awareness of God’s love.

July 14, 2013 In Uncategorized

The Demise of Cursive Writing

Affirmation: I am a life-long learner.

The
conversation with my children was about writing. It wasn’t about creative writing, it was
about penmanship. Well there’s an old
fashioned word. I didn’t know how outdated
it was until we had this discussion. I
was informed by my adult daughter, Melissa, that cursive writing was no longer
part of the core curriculum in the North Carolina school system. After the third grade, children are not
taught how to write long-hand. I’m still
in shock. I’ve been writing three pages
of long-hand in my journal every morning for over fifteen years. My adult son, Joey, went onto say that he
almost never uses a pen or a pencil.
When he does, he finds them awkward to use. His writing method is almost always a keyboard. Penmanship is no longer considered an
essential life skill.

That
certainly wasn’t true when I was in school.
The cursive alphabet was on long strips of black paper resting above the
black board. Yes, the board was black,
not white and we used chalk not erasable magic markers. There were several lines on the paper and
each one was a height that determined where a loop, a “t”, an
“i” or a capital letter was to land on the page. We were handed blank lined pages and the
students tried to copy the letters onto the paper from the form above the
boards. We used number 2 pencils with
erasers. I loved it! I liked the form and the lines for guidance
and the feel of the pencil on the paper and I loved seeing the letters take
shape and appear on the page. I became a
math teacher later in life. I was never
much for coloring outside the lines so it seems fairly understandable why I
liked the rigid format that was used to learn cursive.

I’ve
always been fascinated by hand writing.
Some is so legible and others completely illegible. Some is neat and clean and others are
sloppy. Some is flowery and others are
straight up and down. People have made a
living “reading” hand writing.
They are supposed to be able to figure out a person’s personality from
what their hand writing looks like. Not
anymore! Did you ever watch a detective
show where the sleuth looked at a type written note and determined whether
someone was right handed or left handed because of how some of the letters
appeared darker; they had been hit harder by the dominant hand? Not anymore!
I went to summer school to learn how to type. My mother told me it was an invaluable life
skill. She was right! The key board I use today is laid out exactly
the same as the one that was on my manual typewriter. If you don’t know what a typewriter looks
like, Google it. But, they don’t teach typing in school anymore
either. I think it comes already hard
wired in the brains of anyone born after 1990.
I’ve seen two year olds working a computer key board.

Reading,
writing and arithmetic were the three “Rs” that we were told were the
core skills we would need for life. The
question about why we needed to learn mathematics when most people would never
use it once they were out of school is decades old. As a math teacher, I sometimes wondered the
same thing but I knew the value of making the brain work in different ways and
for me there was always a great satisfaction in solving a problem correctly. I loved solving the “puzzle.” But,
it’s true; most people didn’t have any use for Algebra or Geometry or Trig.
once they have finished with the class.
Now, most people don’t even need to know the basics of math. There’s a calculator on every phone. It appears to be one more life skill we no
longer need.

So, that
leaves reading as the last core skill we were told we needed. I can’t imagine not reading. I love a good
book. Recently I had cataract surgery
and the lenses that were implanted were determined by whether or not I read
books and papers regularly or if I read from a computer. Can you imagine not being able to read? There are organizations dedicated to teaching
adults how to read. It seems it still is
an essential life skill. But, I wonder
will that always be true? Recently, I
downloaded an app called OverDrive. It
allows me to connect to my library and to download audio books onto my phone or
iPad. I can then listen to the book
wherever and whenever I want. I know
there have been audio books for decades but now they are prolific and free; for
many it’s their preferred way to “read” a book. What does this foretell?

If we
don’t need to learn the three “Rs” any longer, what do we need to
learn or even more important, what do we need to be teaching? What are the schools focusing on that is
preparing our young people to live meaningful, productive lives? We have several people in the family who have
been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I know it is more commonly diagnosed today than ever before. I’m not sure if it’s because more people
struggle with it or because we’re more knowledgeable about it. My youngest grandson was really struggling in
his traditional middle school because of ADD.
We were fortunate to find a small private local school that had a
different, more hands-on approach to learning.
Once there he blossomed both mentally and emotionally. His learning “style” needed a place
with a different environment in order for it to take root. What is he learning at his new school that is
different from the other one? He’s
learning how to learn.

Let’s
face it all the information we need or want to learn is available to us
in one form or another. Today it’s even
more readily available because of our access to the Internet. I am in awe of the range of information
available online. There are lessons on
everything! There are lessons about
things I probably don’t want know anything about. I have, however, looked up music lessons and
how to fix different things. My son uses
the Internet to renovate equipment, like boats, cars, engines and all sorts of
electronic equipment. The other day our
refrigerator broke down and the first thing we did, after throwing away the
perishables was to go online to see if we could diagnose it and fix it
ourselves. Owen is always telling me
about different places he’s never been to or about scientific data he’s looked
up. It’s beyond exciting! Back in March of 2013 he pretended to be a
reporter and interviewed Galileo about his theories. My husband, Sandy, played the role of the
famous scientist. It was for Owen’s
science project. Everyone learned
something and it was fun.

I’d like
to think that our educational system is closely examining what our young people
need to learn in order to be productive healthy citizens. What do you think the new core skills should
be? It seems to me one of the most
important ones would be to learn how to learn.
Owen is an experiential learner.
Once he discovered that, he found he can learn whatever he wants. I am mainly an auditory learner. If I had known that earlier on, learning
would have come a lot easier to me. Some
of us are visual; others need a variety of approaches. Once we’ve learned how
to gather the information, the rest is just doing it. But what other core skills do we want our
children to master? What are the
essential life skills? If it’s true we
learn all we need to know in Kindergarten, what are we doing with the rest of
our years of schooling? How about
focusing on the Golden Rule? “Do
unto others as you would have them do unto you.” How about the Ten Commandments? What about relationship skills: how to
resolve conflict, how to create community, how to get your needs met without
hurting another? What if the three
“Rs” morphed into the three “Cs”: compassion, communication
and cooperation?

Yes, we
still need to know how to read and write, if not in cursive than at least we
need to know how to compose a grammatically correct sentence. But, the key to all of this is it’s not so
much what we learn but that we do learn and not just while we’re in school but
for as long as we’re alive. Expand your
knowledge. Go out there and learn about
life, learn about living, learn whatever it is that makes you feel fully
alive. Then perhaps you’ll write about
it. Perhaps you’ll share it with the
world. Who knows maybe someday someone
will download it and listen to it.

August 19, 2012 In Uncategorized

Younger Next Year

Affirmation: The
Best is yet to come.

What
age would you tell someone you are if you didn’t know what age you are? Stephen Levine asked this question at a
seminar on Death and Dying that he was presenting many years ago. Sometimes, I find myself asking myself that
question. When I’m on a golf course, I
feel about 25. Not because I’m a good
golfer but because I always feel like a newbie even though I have played on and
off for over 40 years. After I was
treated for cancer, I aged about ten years, in one year. Before cancer I would have answered that I
was about 35, after cancer I felt like 45.
I guess that was ok since at the time I was treated I was 52. I haven’t “aged” much over the last two
decades which makes me wonder if that shows a lack of maturity, a lack of
self-awareness or complete denial about the passing of time.

My
first visit to Canyon Ranch in Arizona was over a decade ago. I was looking for a way to learn about how to
best take care of my health and I had read a lot about the resort and decided
to give it a try. It’s a wonderful
place, very holistic and almost surreal.
It met all my expectations. While
there the founder and owner, Mel Zuckerman did an early morning presentation
about the beginning of the ranch and why he started it. He was very dynamic and I found his story to
be quite inspirational. He said when he
first arrived in Arizona he was not in good health. One of the first tests he took determined his
“age” based on his physical condition.
He was about 55 at the time and the test came back that he was in his
70s. Now, he was in his 70s and after years of training and healthy food and
other practices, his “age” tested at 55.
At the time that seemed like a radical concept, becoming “younger”
as one ages but now there is a lot of information about getting stronger and
healthier as we age. One of my personal
favorites is Younger Next Year by Chris Crowley and Henry S. Lodge, M.D.

A
friend told me “Growing old is not for the weak of heart.” I know the number one determining factor about
how we age is our genes. It’s also the
number one factor determining if we age, but the second most influential factor
is how and what we think about the aging process. In the Omega Institute’s first Conscious
Aging conference one speaker shared his research into the number one factor
concerning the age at which we will die.
After years of research, he found it was determined mostly by when we
thought we would die.

As
of this writing my mother’s best friend is 96.
Many mornings when I am entering the gym at 9 or 9:30, she is on her way
out. She has already finished her
workout. She peddles the bike for 15
minutes, she uses the rowing machine for 15 minutes and then she does the
weight machine circuit. She drives
herself there and then she heads to Trader Joe’s for her daily shopping
expedition. She is one of my
heroines. She had a broken tibia when
she was 94 and was in rehab for almost 9 months. I was sure that was “it” for her. I couldn’t imagine her recovering from such a
break at such an advanced age. It’s good
I didn’t share that with her because she never doubted she was going to heal
and return to living in her own home on her own and back to a full, rich life
and so she did!

Have
you listened to what people say about their health? Have you had the opportunity to hear people
speak about their memories, their backs, their knees, eyes, hearing, stomachs,
etc? It seems a day never passes when
someone isn’t claiming that age is the reason for some ailment with which they
are dealing. People seem to be looking
for a reason why they are deteriorating and it’s so easy to claim it’s age
related.

Dr.
Andrew Weil had a PBS special on how to live a healthier older life. He recognized that the body does change. We are always changing and that we might need
to make adjustments as we go along. Most
of us seem to fall into that category and then there are the people who are in
their 80’s or 90’s and are still running marathons. What works for one simply may not work for
another. We need to create a personal
life plan for each individual.

My
cousin’s mother was almost 100 when she was diagnosed with dementia. Of course, they were told, it was a normal
condition for someone her age. Another
physician asked the family if their mother had been tested for a thyroid
problem. No, she had not been
tested. A few days after beginning the
proper medication, she was back to her normal self.

Do
yourself a favor, don’t claim your ailments.
Certainly, they can be a part of your life but let them be just that, a
part of your life. Don’t let them
determine who you are. Don’t identify
with them. Even a serious diagnosis does
not have to determine your identity. I
have met more people who introduce themselves to me by telling me about their
physical challenges. Sometimes, it’s the
first thing they tell me after their name.
I want to shout “Get behind me Satan!
Don’t do that! You are greater
than whatever ailment you’re dealing with.
Find another way to view yourself, to view your problem.” Truly, it’s not a lack of compassion on my
part. It’s actually very
compassionate. I want to tell them they
are injuring themselves even further by focusing on their diagnosis. Put it aside, put it on a shelf and go do
something fun or better yet, go do something for someone else.

You
have the power to heal yourself! It is
within all of us. Claim it! Yes, it may mean making some changes, getting
help. It may mean medication, surgery, a
change in diet or exercise but listen closely and you will know what you need
to do to help yourself. But, the first
thing you need to do is to not identify with your diagnosis. You need to find a way to make peace, to just
allow it to be and to move away and forward.
You’ve seen them and you’ve met them, people who don’t only refuse to
allow their ailments and disabilities interfere with their lives but who thrive
in spite of them. It is possible for all
of us.

What
do you think the Olympic Athletes tell themselves? Do you think they focus on their aches, pains
or ailments? What about Oscar Pistorius,
the “fastest man on no legs.” He’s had a double below the knee
amputation and runs on two artificial limbs.
He competed in the 2012 London Olympics.
How hard do you think that was?

Rachel
Naomi Remen in Kitchen Table Wisdom speaks about healing. She says that sometimes we will not be cured
but we can always be healed. What we
think about, we bring about. You might
be dealing with a serious illness but if you choose your thoughts carefully,
you will know you are a glorious creature of God. You are beautiful! You are amazing! You still have a life to live and love to
bestow! We need to hold onto the belief
that the Best is yet to come and that
we get to choose whether or not to believe it and whether or not we will create
it.

Once
again, we get to choose. We decided day
to day, moment to moment how we perceive ourselves; how we perceive our
abilities; how we perceive our bodies.
It’s our greatest power. It’s the
one thing we have total (at most times) control over. Claim your health! Claim your strength! Whatever it is that is interfering with your
optimal health needs to be reframed, adjusted.
You may not have to put on two artificial limbs, thank God, but maybe
you need to put on an artificial aid, a new thought process to enable you to
compete in the race of life.

“Healing
may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that
isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you
are.”

―
Rachel Naomi Remen

July 13, 2012 In Uncategorized

Living a Compassionate Life

Affirmation: I
live a Christ centered life of love, peace, hope, gratitude and compassion.

One of the most
compassionate people I know is my mother-in-law, Yolanda. She’s always been one
of my heroines and an amazing role model.
I have never heard her criticize anyone.
And, I’ve known her now for well over 43 years.

Compassion is
defined as co-suffering but that’s not enough.
For one to be truly compassionate you must try to do something to
alleviate another’s suffering.

One night we were
watching the TV show The Amazing Race. I
was visiting Yolanda to help her prepare for her move to Savannah. (She had lived in the same house for over 56
years and now, at the age of 90 she was moving to an independent living facility
in Georgia. This was her choice. She made the decision herself. I keep hoping that when and if, I’m 90 I’ll
get to choose some adventure on which I want to embark and not have the
adventure chosen for me.) This episode
of The Amazing Race had a young unmarried couple who were racing from country
to country. They were doing fairly well
and were leading the race when this episode began. When the episode ended they were in last
place. They lost because one of the
challenges was to go down a huge water slide through some sharks and into a
pool. The young woman of the team was
terrified of heights and sharks. With
two of her greatest fears combined, she chose not to finish the race. I was amazed and felt very impatient. “For heaven’s sake” I thought,
“just get on the slide and get it over with!” Really, it would have
been over in 3 minutes. And, then there
was Yolanda, “Oh, the poor thing!
What are they doing? Why don’t
they just let her walk down? I can’t
stand to see her suffering so much.” I think if Yolanda had been there,
she would have jumped on that slide and gone down it in place of the young
woman, even though she too is afraid of water.
Me? I’m sad to tell you I would
have suggested to her partner to just pick her up, put her on his lap and go
for it. It really was a wonderful lesson
for me to sit there and share this experience with my mother-in-law. I don’t think I would have seen it any
differently if I hadn’t been exposed to her point of view. Then, the final lesson came when the emcee
interviewed them and asked her boyfriend how he felt about the whole
episode. I thought, “Here it
comes! He’s going to be so angry!”
instead, he was as compassionate about it as Yolanda had been.

In Al-Anon, one
of the suggestions given is to learn to take care of yourself. It’s not an easy concept, especially for
someone who has been caring for a loved one with an addiction. A lot of the time, many people who attend
Al-Anon are enablers. One of their chief
skills is taking care of others, sometimes with total disregard for
themselves. In the book, The Courage
to Change, One Day at a Time, one of the readings tells a story about a
woman who had recently become an Al-Anon member. Every night when she went to bed, she found
her drunken husband fallen out of bed and lying on the floor. She’d help him back in bed, cover him up and
then finally get to go to bed too. After
her Al-Anon session, she decided she’d just step over him and go straight to
bed. When she shared her new approach at a meeting, they gently told her she
had gone to the other extreme. So, the next night she used a different
approach. She gently placed a blanket on
him, stepped over him and went to bed.
She managed to find a place where she could both be compassionate and
take care of herself.

My friend works
out with a trainer. I knew this personal
trainer when he was having terrible back pain and when I saw him again I asked
him how his back was doing. He said it was
fine. Then he told me he was pleased
he’d had the bad back experience because it made him a better trainer. It made him more compassionate.

I know many
people take tragic experiences and use them to better the lives of others. There is story after story of people who
chose to use their tragedy as a stepping stone not only for their own recovery
but for anyone else who is looking for help with the same type of
situation. I am sure it wouldn’t take
much for you to recall some of the more well known examples. How about the Amber Alert program? I regularly see the signs for missing
children on the freeways.

Twenty five years
ago Rachel and Saul Schanberg lost their young daughter Linda to cancer. Before Linda died she asked her mom to make a
difference in the Duke Cancer Center. She
asked her to help people feel cared for and not just cared about. Rachel began the Duke Cancer Patient Support
Program with herself and four volunteers in an office the size of a
closet. Today her efforts have created a
program world renown for their care of cancer patients and their loved
ones. It’s all free. Most hospitals wouldn’t consider supporting a
program that doesn’t bring in any revenue but because of Rachel’s passion and
compassion, we have over 300 volunteers and the most amazing services you can
imagine. The impact the program has made
on the new Duke Cancer Center can be seen in the center’s warm, inviting
atmosphere.

Our challenging
life experiences offer us two choices.
We can become more caring, gentle and compassionate or we can become
bitter, hard and reclusive. My intention
to be a more compassionate person, to be more Yolanda like, is a quality I
always want to be developing. Recently,
I read a book to help me better understand and care for an aging parent. The main lesson in the book encourages the
reader, the caretaker, to try to see life as their parent may see it. When they rephrased some of the concerns of
the parent using language based on the author’s years of experienced, it
brought me a greater understanding of that which my parent is concerned. And, with understanding I felt a deeper sense
of compassion.

I am an ardent
believer in the power of prayer. I don’t
know how it works but I believe it does.
I keep a list in the front of my journal of all the people for whom I am
currently praying. I always add “And,
especially for those who most need Your mercy.”
Since practicing compassion requires one to “do” something along with
experiencing feelings of empathy, I can pray.
If there is no other way for me to bring help and solace to those I am
concerned about, it gives me great comfort to know I can offer them up in
prayer and to believe that God is blessing them in ways beyond my
comprehension. Truly, that’s how I want
to see myself; that’s the person I want to be.
If when I die my obituary refers to me as compassionate, I will rest
with the satisfaction of a life well lived.

April 25, 2012 In Uncategorized

Outward Bounds

Affirmation: I embrace stepping outside of my comfort zone.

I’m a
huge fan of the TV show Dancing with the Stars. I’ve been a fan since the very
beginning. I jokingly say it’s because there’s no sex, violence or foul
language. I can watch it with my grandchildren or my mother. How many shows are
out there that meet those qualifications? I also love to dance.

On the show, about a dozen celebrities learn to dance different ballroom dances with a professional dancer. They get to wear these sparkly, colorful, fun costumes and learn a new dance or two each week until the final week when one of the couples is declared the champion for that season and they get the famed Mirrorball Trophy. It’s such fun to see the people progress. I find it very inspirational. Sometimes there are celebrities who have serious disabilities but they don’t let that stop them. In 2011 TJ Martinez won the title. He was a wounded Iraq war veteran with serious burns to his whole body, including his face. He actually lost an ear in the explosion. Did that keep him from giving it his all? When I watched him dance and saw the joy that emanated from his whole being, I completely forgot about his disfigurement. I obviously wasn’t the only one because he was that year’s champion.

On
the show, about a dozen celebrities learn to dance different ballroom dances
with a professional dancer. They get to wear these sparkly, colorful, fun
costumes and learn a new dance or two each week until the final week when one
of the couples is declared the champion for that season and they get the famed
Mirrorball Trophy. It’s such fun to see the people progress. I find it very
inspirational. Sometimes there are celebrities who have serious disabilities
but they don’t let that stop them. In 2011 TJ Martinez won the title. He was a
wounded Iraq war veteran with serious burns to his whole body, including his
face. He actually lost an ear in the explosion. Did that keep him from giving
it his all? When I watched him dance and saw the joy that emanated from his
whole being, I completely forgot about his disfigurement. I obviously wasn’t
the only one because he was that year’s champion.

Sherri
Shephard, from the TV program The View was one of the contestants this year,
2012. She was determined to do well. She wasn’t a little lady and I could only
imagine how mentally and physically challenging it was for her to learn those
dances. She really wanted to win. She was traveling between the show she
regularly hosts in NY City and the Dancing show in Los Angeles. It must have
been a grueling schedule. I know she had all the advantages that money can
provide but it doesn’t lessen the hard work she had to put forth. She was
eliminated in week four. She cried and cried. But, before they could say
goodbye, she had something she wanted to share with the viewers. “If you don’t go towards the thing you fear, you won’t be
able to say you lived.” She went on to say that you should run towards that
thing you fear because what you’ll find on the other side, is simply amazing.

I mentioned to several of my friends that I was somewhat afraid
of my upcoming trip to South America. One of them said, “Oh, Jean, that’s
great! Because when you come home, you’ll feel so good about what you’ve done.”
I know she’s right. Her comment gave me a sense of optimism and excitement,
instead of dread and anxiety.

My husband and I did an Outward Bound in 2000. We spent 5 days
canoeing through the Everglades. Now, I want to share that I am a city girl. I
was raised in Queens, New York. Our home was on Grand Central Parkway. I mean,
right on it. I was riding the buses and the trains by myself by the time I was
10. The “country” was the property fenced in around the hospitals that bordered
our three block neighborhood. And now, I’ve been invited by my husband (born in
Brooklyn) to go on an Outward Bound. He was on the Outward Bound board and
thought this was a good idea. I got a tape about the Everglades. There were
snakes and alligators, not to mention other creepy crawly things. But this was
the year after I finished treatment for breast cancer and I figured if I could
go through that, I could probably canoe through the swamps. I invited a friend
to go with us and she was shocked, “What is the purpose of this excursion?”
Well, if you needed to ask that, I figured you really didn’t need to come
along.

So, we went. We brought along our son who was in his twenties
and our teenage daughter. The good news when we arrived was that we weren’t
going to be in the swamp, we were canoeing through the Thousand Islands. Whew!!
On our first night we had to create an island. We took boards from the bottom
of the canoes and lashed them together on top of the canoes. This was our
“home” for the night. My first night to ever sleep outside, outside under a sky
that had more stars than I had ever seen before. I learned a lot during those
days. I learned that my daughter was an amazing person. She never complained.
She just did whatever was needed, my son too. My husband was as kind and
gracious in the wild as he is in civilization and I learned that I could be an
indian or a chief. I could both follow and lead, whatever was required. And, I
learned that I could survive in a situation I never even imagined. Now, when
Sandy and I find ourselves doing something that’s challenging, outside of our
comfort zones, we refer to it as an “outward bound experience.” It’s funny how
often we find ourselves in that kind of a position. The purpose of going
outside of your comfort zone it to empower you, that’s the purpose. Life is
challenging, there’s no two ways about it. The only way to bolster your
confidence is to do those things that frighted you, “to run towards them” as
Sherri said. You not only receive the gift of empowerment, many times you find
joy and fulfillment from making your way to a whole new place.

Fear is a debilitating disease. I believe we make more decisions
based on fear than any other reason. It needs to be recognized and overcome.
There’s a wonderful tale about a guru who treks all over the land, sharing his
wisdom and compassion. One day, he decides to return home. When he walks into
his house, he is met by several huge ferocious monsters. They are drooling and
their fangs are bared. He looks at them and asks, “Why are you here? What is it
that you need?” and half of them disappear. He then asks the others, “Why are
you here? Is there something I can do for you?” and they disappear, all except
one. He is the biggest and the most frightening of all of them. He is growling
and hissing and drooling but the guru is calm. He goes up to the monster and he
puts his head into his mouth and with that, the monster evaporates.

This is the challenge; to face our fears with love and
compassion, to put our heads into the monsters of life. Sometimes we get to
choose our outward bounds and sometimes they are thrust upon us but if we have
faced those events that take us out of ourselves and we’ve survived, we will be
as prepared as possible for those events that we never even imagined.

December 17, 2011 In Uncategorized

Perception

Affirmation: I am the product of my genes and my thoughts and my thoughts influence my cellular structure.
Stephen Covey the author of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People tells a story about a man on a subway train with his children. The children are out of control and most of the people on the train are looking very annoyed. Have you ever ridden the subway? Usually the only noise one hears is the train itself. It can be a very meditative space. Finally the man looks up and explains to the people in his immediate area that his wife has just died and he’s not sure what to do next. No one was annoyed any longer. They shifted their perception. But, couldn’t they have held a more compassionate response to the family without that information? If they were going to judge couldn’t they have given him, the father, the benefit of the doubt in the beginning?

I play the fiddle. I seldom claim to be a fiddler. It’s the same with golf. I usually say “I play golf.” I have never said “I am a golfer.” Can you hear the difference? There are titles I claim for myself but fiddler and golfer are neither of them.

This last week the message that has appeared has been about perception. It’s appeared in many conversations and in several of my readings. It’s been about how we perceive (judge) what others “do” or “don’t do” and how we relate their behavior to ourselves; how we perceive ourselves through their behavior.

I like people to be happy. I like them to feel good. I can sometimes try to orchestrate another’s feel good mood even if I don’t really know them very well. And, I will normally remove myself from someone who is grouchy and complaining. That’s not to say I am not compassionate and I have learned not to always comfort those in pain but to simply sit with them and allow them to experience their feelings. But, on a daily basis I encourage smiles and warm hearts. I find it quite easy to raise people’s spirits, a smile, a hug, a genuine warm welcome and usually people respond in a very positive manner.

But, what about those who do not respond? Am I the reason? Did I “do” or “not do” something? Is everyone’s happiness my responsibility? Sister Mary Margaret from a Place for Women to Gather in Raleigh, NC says “Happiness is an inside job.” There is only one person’s happiness and sense of well being I am responsible for, me. Sure, I’d like to believe I am all powerful and can influence the emotional state of all those in my life but I can’t and truth to tell whether they are happy or unhappy usually has very little, if anything to do with me. It’s all about them. And, then there’s all that stuff we make up in our minds about what people are thinking and there’s the rub.

My plan for playing my fiddle at my group’s very first performance was to occasionally fake fiddle. I mean there were twelve of us. Who other than my teacher could possibly tell if I missed a few notes or dropped out if I were totally lost? Well, the two people who sat down only four feet from me were concert musicians. I had recently been introduced to them and I was told the gentleman was a concert violinist and composer. And, there they were directly in front of me! I knew without a doubt that they could hear every wrong note I hit and I hit many many wrong notes. I knew what they were thinking. I made up a whole store in my head and it wasn’t very affirming. In fact, it was quite demoralizing.

No, I couldn’t stop and turn my thinking around. There was just too much going on for me to calm myself. But the day after the recital, I realized what I had done. I had robbed myself of the joy of the moment by imagining the thoughts of two people I didn’t even know and even if they thought my fiddling to be substandard, why should I care? I was with my friends, making music and playing for free for the benefit of others. Oh, it’s not the first time I’ve compared my inside with someone else’s outside and every time it’s a devaluing experience. But, each time I do it, I become more aware of the exercise and hopefully, recognize my behavior and let go of what I think they’re thinking and I let go of caring what the other person or persons are thinking. “Happiness is an inside job” and I can choose for myself not to be reactive to my imagination. Or, I can choose to imagine with compassion and kindness whether I’m imagining for myself or about others.

Our life is our perception. Choose carefully. Be kind to yourself and to those around you.