Family – Jean A. Costa

Family

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May 10, 2015 In Family

Journeying Through Motherhood

Affirmation: Being a mother is my greatest joy.

Geese-2 As we walked around the lake the geese couple were crossing the path and next to them was a gaggle of goslings. The female goose raised her head and stared right at us daring us to come closer. Behind us was another walker and her dog. The mother goose didn’t hesitate. She took off charging, squawking loudly at the dog. It had come too close to her babies. I’ve been a mother for over 40 years now. Now, I’m also the grandmother of four great people. I’m also very non-biased. My adult gym now offers toddler swim lessons on Saturday mornings. I feel a deep ache as I watch the parents interact with the children. I have an even stronger reaction when I see the fathers caring for the little ones, holding out their arms for them to jump into and holding their little hands as they lead them to and from the pool. I’m nostalgic for that time but I remember those lessons when I did them and I am just fine that now I’m simply an appreciative observer.

parents-2 One day a young mother shared with a group of us that her 15 year old teenage daughter and husband had had their first terrible blow out. She was worried they would never have a trusting, loving relationship. The other mothers present assured her it was all normal growing pains and if it had taken this long for them to have this type of interaction, they were probably going to be just fine, probably even better than fine.

Many years ago the New York Times ran an article about the happiness level of parents. The researcher reported that in general the parents of teenagers were unhappier than parents at any other stage. I don’t remember being unhappy when my children were teenagers but I do know that now that they are adults, I thoroughly enjoy their company and that of their spouses. It’s pure joy when I have the opportunity to spend time with them. I think what we spend our money on reflects on that which we consider to be important and I’d rather spend my money on events that bring us all together than on anything else.

jeanDay1-2 Today when I see a young family together I want to run up to them and tell them it’s a “short long journey.” I want to embrace them and shake them and make sure they know it and tell them to savor every moment of it. Motherhood is work. It’s painful and it’s challenging. It’s demanding and it’s tiring. It’s frustrating and it’s confusing. As a young mother I was never around extended family. Our first move was when my oldest was 6 weeks old. Our second move five years later was when my middle child was 18 months old and then ten years after that, we moved when Ellen was just three. I never had a support system. Every time we moved, I was completely on my own. I didn’t have a clue how very hard it was but looking back I can see how hard it was. Each time we moved, I had to create a new support system. It was easier sometimes than others. It was exciting to go to a new place but it was also lonely. Our last move brought us here to North Carolina over 25 years go. We began again. Now, I live close to most of my family.

My oldest girl, Melissa and her kind, loving husband, Larry and my four grandchildren live about 2 miles away. My son, Joey and his beautiful (inside and out) wife Belen also live close and I’m blessed to still have my husband of 45 years. My youngest and her sweet husband, Adam are in London but I’m optimistic about the future.

costafamily2 My years of motherhood are not over. Once a mother, always a mother but this stage of being the mother of adult children is for me a rich blessing. While the children were growing, I was too busy with the cares of life and daily activities to savor all the precious moments they offered me but now, I can relish each moment. I can relax in their company. When I was doing my Master of Social Work I decided I would ask each of them, all adults at that time, how I did as a mother. Truly, this has been my life’s work. I wondered how they felt I did. When I look back I remember each of their births. I remember all the times they were sick and needed care. I remember all those miles in the car to different sporting events or classes. I remembered making dinner almost every night. I remember reading stories and grabbing hugs and kisses as often as possible. I remember helping with homework and visiting schools. I remember helping find colleges and going to ceremonies. I remember a home that I always hoped felt safe and secure. I welcomed their friends and eventually their spouses. I encouraged them to follow their dreams and listened when life went a different way. I hadn’t had any training and other than my wonderful husband, I hadn’t had any family around to guide me but it appeared I’d done alright. What did they think? I was curious and I was brave.

jeansandy Yes, it’s been a “long short journey.” If I could do it again what would I change? If I were as wise at 20, 30 or 40 as I am now, what would I do differently? I’d not clean the house so often. Occasionally I’d have cereal for dinner instead of taking time to cook each evening. I’d read even more stories, hold hands even more often. I’d sit and just listen whenever they wanted to tell me something. I’d know this moment will soon be gone and I’d treasure it for the gift it was.

They were kind to me when they answered my question. That response alone was an answer in itself. I’d done ok. I must have done ok. Sandy, my hubby, and I must have done well. They’re still hanging out with us. In fact as I write this it’s almost Mother’s Day and the family and Sandy have gifted me with flowers, cards, a rice cooker and most importantly, time together. Yes, I might change the way I did some things, go slower, be more mindful but I wouldn’t change choosing to be a mother, especially to these three remarkable people. I’ve been blessed and at least now I can go slower and relish each and every moment I get to spend with them.

Happy Mothers Day!

February 2, 2014 In Yoga

Blessed are the Balanced

Affirmation: I am fully
aware of the importance of maintaining a healthy balance.

Balance is another gift of yoga.
There are the obvious asanas that offer the yogi the opportunity to
practice balancing: head stand, dancer’s pose, warrior III and the classic tree
pose to name a few but unless one is lying on his or her back or stomach, balance
is always involved in a pose, just like in life. We then have the opportunity of taking our
balancing practice with us out into our day and into our world. What does it mean to balance? Is one ever balanced or is there only the
practice of balancing?

Recently, I have taken on caring for a loved one. The care requires much more effort than was
required or desired in the past. I’ve
spent a great deal of time at the hospital, the rehab and on the phone or the
email connecting with caretakers, family and friends. I’m happy to do it. I love her and am pleased to have the
opportunity to do whatever is necessary to be of service but life has been
extremely full. I now have the
additional activities required for this care-taking and my normal full
life. When I was guided to do tree pose
in a recent yoga class, I immediately placed all my weight on my right foot,
the soul of my left foot against my inner thigh and chose one spot on which to
focus. I then put my hands over my head
and became a tree. I’ve done this
hundreds, maybe thousands of times. I
was then guided to switch sides. I
couldn’t do it. My left leg would not
hold my weight on its own. I needed
help. I went to the wall in order to
maintain my balance. The imbalance of my
life at the present time was reflected in my yoga practice. I was stunned that the imbalance in my daily
life was so glaringly presented to me in my pose. I didn’t feel too worried about it because I
recognized that while I was out of balance at the moment, I was now fully aware
of it and I needed to attend to whatever it would take to help me level out.

There are all kinds of balance: work and play, self-care and
community service, calories in versus calories out, time alone and time with
others, spending and saving money, exercise and rest. The list can go on and on. I’m sure you can think of a few, perhaps some
on which you’ve been working. One
challenging part of achieving balance is it’s so personal. What is good for one
person may not be true for another. Like
any life skill one is trying to improve upon, the very first step is awareness,
actually recognizing when you’re out of sync.
Another factor is the time frame it’s placed within. Are we looking to be in balance every moment,
every day, once a week or are we content to look over the whole year and think
something like, “I worked hard for most of the year and now I’m going to
take it easy for the end of the year.”?

The truth is it’s no different than dieting. First we need a focus point, perhaps that’s a
specific weight we are trying to maintain.
Every day we make choices and each choice will lead to a better balanced
life. When we are watching our calories
you can have a heavier day one day and a lighter one the next day to balance
out your intake or perhaps you are fairly conscientious during the week and
that allows you to eat a little heavier on the weekend. If we take it one step further, perhaps
you’re fairly restrictive most of the year but let yourself relax while you’re
on vacation or at a celebration. As long
as you can maintain your healthy weight, it doesn’t matter how you do it but
you’re going to have to balance out those calories or your weight will either
climb up, or get too low. It’s no
different with anything else to which you want to bring balance.

Many years ago a very spiritual woman told me a story about her
volunteer work. She was determined to
become more faithful and with that she decided to spend more time at her church
and then that became even more time.
Finally, she was at the church all the time and her family and her work
were falling apart. She couldn’t figure
out what was wrong, if anything, because she was sure she was following the
better path to God. Before her world
came crashing down upon her, the parish priest counseled her to look at the
imbalance of her life. She examined her
priorities, made several changes and saved herself. The path to holiness
requires that we attend not to just the spirit but to the mind and to the
body. That means the path to holiness
requires balance or at least an ongoing attempt at balancing.

In order to walk the tight rope of life, we must be vigilant and
place one foot gingerly and mindfully in front of the other. It takes practice. It takes the lessons from the yoga mat and
from wherever and from whomever we can learn them. Perhaps with enough practice one will even be
able to stand on one’s head. If not,
perhaps at least on one foot at a time, or even just both feet without toppling
over. The following week I took some
extra “me” time and when I returned to class I once again was able to
become a tree, on the right side and, on the left side.

December 22, 2013 In Faith

Christmas All Year Long

Affirmation: I possess the Christmas spirit all year long.

My favorite holiday movie is The Bishop’s Wife with Cary
Grant, David Niven and Loretta Young. It
was made in 1947. I know many people
have a favorite holiday movie. My nieces
and nephews like A Christmas Story.
Many people watch the classic It’s a Wonderful Life with Jimmy
Stewart. Then to name a few others
there’s the Grinch Who Stole Christmas and Miracle on 34th Street. Recently, the AMC channel did a whole special
about all the different Christmas movies.
Even watching the small clips they showed warmed my heart and made me
smile. I love a corny movie, especially the Christmas movies.

Do you have a favorite? Do
you have something that you and your family like to sit down and watch once a
year during the holidays? Why? What is your choice? What appeals to you? Is it something funny or touching? Is it a classic or is it something new? In The Bishops Wife Cary Grant is an
angel. The bishop doesn’t believe it but
he’s so desperate for help that he withholds judgement and so for a brief
period of time Cary Grant settles into their lives. Henry, the bishop is very consumed with trying
to raise the funds for a cathedral and he thinks Dudley, the angel is there to
help him with that project but he’s so wrong.
Dudley has come to help Henry rediscover what’s really important to
him. It’s a similar theme as the one in It’s
a Wonderful Life. An angel has been
sent to earth to guide the suffering hero to value those aspects of his life
that he has failed to treasure, his friends and family. It’s something we’d probably all like to have
an angel come and remind us of periodically.

There are a lot of expectations around the holiday season, those
we believe others have of us and those we take on ourselves. I want to remember, no I want to luxuriate in
the season. I want the tree and the red ornaments
and the twinkle lights to stay on always, not just for the few weeks labeled
“the holidays.” I want to have
every day include the word “Christ” not just those days when I get to
say and write and hear “Merry Christmas.” I want to possess the Christmas spirit of
love and joy all year long.

This year, as for the past three years, my Small Christian
Community adopted two families for Christmas.
We do this with the help of Rachel Monteverdi. Rachel is responsible for the North Carolina
Cooperative Extension Franklin County Family & Consumer Sciences program. I have tried adopting a family on my own and
found it to be a very daunting experience but once I discovered that I could
bring together a group to make a difference for another family I was excited
and motivated and what a group we are!
My SCC has been together for over 25 years. We have a core group who has been there all
along and then we have about twenty five other people who have joined us over
the years. Like all groups we have
different levels of commitment but the one constant is their generous,
compassionate nature. We are connected
by a very strong common bond. We all
believe in our Lord Jesus Christ and we all believe in answered prayer. We have an ongoing prayer list that everyone
covers in prayer at all times and if there’s a special request, it can go out
to the group and I for one find comfort knowing I have this group of Prayer
Warriors lifting my concerns up to God.

We had two families this year.
The first one was a grandmother and a seventeen year old girl who had
been homeless last year and didn’t have any Christmas. The other family was a widower and his three
young sons. They needed shoes and
gloves, blankets and cleaning supplies.
They wanted some games, perhaps a CD or a few books. Our list includes their first names and ages
and I simply send out the list to the SCC and to my daughter and son and ask
for whom they’d like to buy. After all
the gifts arrive I fill in anything that is missing from the list, divide the
gifts by family and put the gifts into black garbage bags (for safety
reasons.) The people in the SCC went over and above in making this holiday
special for these families. They wrapped
everything and made sure there was not only the needed items on the list but
the wanted items too and if they thought of something special, like a bracelet
with a little “bling” or a remote control car for the boys, that was
in there too. This year my car held ten
bags. It was filled to the brim. My heart was filled to the brim. I am so very grateful to be a part of a group
that so willingly and generously reaches out to help others.

We won’t know how our efforts affect the families. We won’t hear anything. We have to trust that our efforts have made
their holiday and their lives richer and more joyful, perhaps even more hopeful
about their futures and about how they see the world. I know in our giving efforts it made me feel
more joyful and more hopeful. It made
me feel the same way those corny Christmas movies make me feel. It made me feel like the world can be a
kinder, gentler, more compassionate place.
The world can be a place filled with peace and love. Jesus Christ was born over 2000 years ago for
just this reason, to guide us to creating a world of peace and love. If we can hold that concept in our hearts and
minds not only during this holiday season but for the whole year, Christmas
won’t end. I may have to take down the
tree and the red ornaments and the lights but I don’t have to put away the love
and the peace that makes our lives and the lives of all those we care about,
richer and blessed and neither do you.

Merry Christmas!

May 12, 2013 In Uncategorized

Journeying Through Motherhood

Affirmation: Being a mother is my greatest joy.

As we walked around the lake the geese couple were crossing the path and next to them was a gaggle of goslings. The female goose raised her head and stared right at us daring us to come closer. Behind us was another walker and her dog. The mother goose didn’t hesitate. She took off charging, squawking loudly at the dog. It had come too close to her babies.

I’ve been a mother for over 40 years now. Now, I’m also a grandmother. My adult gym now offers toddler swim lessons on Saturday mornings. I feel a deep ache as I watch the parents interact with the children. I have an even stronger reaction when I see them holding out their arms for the child to jump into and holding their little hands as they lead them to and from the pool. I’m nostalgic for that time but I remember those lessons when I did them and I am just fine that now I’m simply an appreciative observer.

One day a young mother shared with a group of us that her 15 year old teenage daughter and husband had had their first terrible blow out. She was worried they would never have a trusting, loving relationship. The other mothers present assured her it was all normal growing pains and if it had taken this long for them to have this type of interaction, they were probably going to be just fine, probably even better than fine. Many years ago the New York Times ran an article about the happiness level of parents. The research reported that in general the parents of teenagers were unhappier than parents at any other stage. I don’t remember being unhappy when my children were teenagers but I do know that now that they are adults, I thoroughly enjoy their company and that of their spouses. It’s pure joy when I have the opportunity to spend time with them. I think what we spend our money on reflects that on which we consider to be the important and I’d rather spend my money on events that bring us all together than on anything else.

Today when I see a young family together I want to run up to them and tell them it’s a “short long journey.” I want to embrace them and shake them and make sure they know it and tell them to savor every moment of it. Motherhood is work. It’s painful and it’s challenging. It’s demanding and it’s tiring. It’s frustrating and it’s confusing. It’s also an amazing journey.

As a young mother I was never around family. Our first move was when my oldest was 6 weeks old. Our second move five years later was when my middle child was 18 months old and then ten years after that, we moved when Ellen was just three. I never had a support system. Every time we moved, I was completely on my own. I didn’t have a clue how very hard it was but looking back I can see how hard it truly was. Each time we moved, I had to create a new support system. It was easier sometimes than others. It was exciting to go to a new place but it was also lonely. Our last move brought us here to North Carolina over 26 years go. We began again. Now, I live close to most of my family.

My oldest girl, Melissa and her kind, loving husband, Larry and my four grandchildren live about 2 miles away. My son, Joey and his beautiful (inside and out) wife Belen also live close. My mom lives nearby and I’m blessed to still have my husband of 45 years in my life. My youngest is in London but I’m optimistic about her future.

My years of motherhood are not over. Once a mother, always a mother but this stage, being the mother of adult children is for me a rich blessing. While the children were growing, I was too busy with the cares of life and daily activities to savor all the precious moments they offered me but now, I can relish each moment. I can relax in their company. When I was doing my MSW I decided I would ask each of them, all adults at that time, how I did as a mother. Truly, this has been my life’s work. I wondered how they felt I did. When I look back I remember each of their births. I remember all the times they were sick and needed care. I remember all those miles in the car to different sporting events or classes. I remembered making dinner almost every night. I remember reading stories and grabbing hugs and kisses as often as possible. I remember helping with homework and visiting schools. I remember helping find colleges and going to ceremonies. I remember a home that I always hoped felt safe and secure. I welcomed their friends and eventually their spouses. I encouraged them to follow their dreams and listened when life went a different way. I hadn’t had any training and other than my wonderful husband, I hadn’t had any family around to guide me but it appeared I’d done alright. What did they think? I was curious and I was brave.

Yes, it’s been a “long short journey.” If I could do it again what would I change? I wouldn’t change much. If I were as wise at 20, 30 or 40 as I am now, what would I do differently. I’d not clean the house so often. Occasionally I’d have cereal for dinner instead of taking time to cook each evening. I’d read even more stories, hold hands even more often. I’d sit and just listen whenever they wanted to tell me something. I’d know this moment will soon be gone and I’d treasure it for the gift it was.

They were kind to me when they answered my question. That response alone was an answer in itself. I’d done OK. I must have done OK. They’re still hanging out with me. In fact as I write this today, Mother’s Day the family is on their way over. All except Ellen. She’ll be here next week. We’ll celebrate then. Yes, I might change the way I did some things, go slower, be more mindful but I wouldn’t change choosing to be a mother, especially to these three remarkable people. I’ve been blessed and at least now I can go slower and relish each and every moment I get to spend with them.

May 26, 2012 In Uncategorized

Living An Unexpected Life

Affirmation:
I let go of regret.

What
did you dream your life would be like?
Do you still have dreams and expectations about how your life will be in
the future? It seems there’s been so
much written about “bucket lists,” things people always wanted to do
but never got around to and so they are making an extra effort to do it now
before it’s too late. There’s been a
movie by that title and there’s a country-western song about it too. I certainly have a list. Mostly it involves places I’d like to see
before I die. My husband bought me a
book called, A Thousand Places to See Before You Die. I immediately
started going through it to see where I had not been. He was looking at it too but he was noting
all the places we’d already been, two very different perspectives.

According
to my Ennegram type, type 7, I am always looking for the next experience, the
next adventure. My “type” is
not easily content. I am always on the
lookout for what I might have missed. In
some ways it makes life exciting but in other ways it can prevent me from
relishing the present, always looking forward.
For me, dreaming and planning for the future lead me to feeling
optimistic. I like believing there will
be a future to plan for. But, I believe it’s
also important to let go of things we imagined might have been.

I
once mentioned to a woman that as a young woman, I had dreamed of living and
working in Manhattan. She told me it was
never too late to pursue a dream. I
believe that but I think sometimes it’s better to let go of some dreams. I expected to graduate from college and head
off to NYC. I never dreamed of being on
Broadway, I wanted to be on Wall Street.
But, my life took me in another direction. No, I made decisions which led me to suburbia
and even further out into rural America.
I’ve lived in several states but I’ve never lived in “the
city.” Sometimes, I found myself fantasizing about the life I had dreamed
about. It was very different from the
life I had. Boy, was I good at imagining
all the wonderful experiences and adventures I would have had.

I
attended a retreat once with a woman who had six children. She also had a sister who had become a
cloistered nun. She told us she was much
younger than her sister and was very confused and saddened by her sister’s
choice. She said she could only go visit
her once a year and it was so quiet and seemed so lonely. Then, she shared that after being married for
twenty years and raising six children, she’d had many moments when she wished
she’d joined the convent. I know she was
teasing us but there was also an element of truth in her statement.

The
story in the cartoon UP, revolves around a married couple who had a dream about
moving to an exotic country and living above the waterfalls. Every year they saved for their travel and
every year something came along that derailed their adventure. When the wife dies, the man who is now quite
elderly and very depressed decides it’s finally time to give it a go. He attaches hundreds of balloons to the top
of his house and he floats away to find the waterfalls. Once again, he’s derailed but this time he
has a new friend, a young boy who has hidden away in his house, who helps him
see the world differently. In looking
over his wife’s “dream journal” he realizes she had added pictures to
the album that had nothing to do with their ultimate goal of moving to the
exotic location, she’s added pictures of their life together. She’s added pictures of the adventure they’d
had, pictures of their life’s journey.

There’s
a study that shows people age better when they can let go of regret. Carol Klein addressed this issue in her book
“Overcoming Regret.” What happens when we hang onto regret is that we
idealize a situation that may have turned out completely different from our
imagination. Once we realize that we
don’t have a clue how something would have turned out, perhaps if we could even
imagine how horrible it might have been rather than some fantasy we’ve been
clinging to, maybe then we can let go of that regret and fully appreciate the
life we have.

The
title of Queen Noor’s book is, A Leap of Faith, Memories of an Unexpected
Life. I wondered when I saw that title how many people have lived an
expected life. I took a small survey and
asked several friends if they’d lived an “expected life.” I only had
one person say “yes.” What is your answer? I can tell you right now,
I never dreamed of the life I’ve lived and am now living. Never, never did I imagine myself living in
North Carolina surrounded by my family.
I never thought I’d travel to China or Ecuador or some of the other
amazing places I’ve been. My life has
been a series of adventures and mysteries and it’s been great! Once I was able to let go of the “what
might have been”, like the man in UP, I was able to appreciate what has
been.

Perhaps
the secret is not let go of our dreams, even our “bucket lists” but
to let go of expecting life to be exactly as we imagined and to embrace it as
it is, to relish all we have experienced, all we have learned. Perhaps the secret is to treasure whatever
life has afforded us, the expected and the unexpected.

May 7, 2012 In Uncategorized

RESPECT

Affirmation: I expect to be treated the way I treat
others.

While
traveling through Ecuador I observed a family on the side walk. There appeared to be two couples one much
older than the other. The eldest woman
was in a wheelchair and the younger woman kept reaching out to hug the older
woman and pat her head and give her a kiss periodically. The traffic in Ecuador is horrific, worse
than any city I have ever visited or lived in and I was born in New York City
where the Long Island Expressway was referred to as “the world’s largest
parking lot.” Because we were stopped for so long, I had the opportunity
to watch this family for several minutes and I was quite taken with the love
and kindness they were showing to the elderly woman.

Life in
Ecuador for the elderly appears to be much different from what I’ve seen and
experienced in the United States. Life
for most families revolves around the whole family. Many homes consist of residents who are
multi-generational. My husband’s family
was like that when he was a very young boy.
He comes from an Italian background and tells stories about the large
gatherings they had at least once a week and for all the holidays. When his maternal grandmother was 42 her
husband died leaving her with 11 children, her mother and her father-in-law all
living in the same house. My
mother-in-law tells how the older children stepped in to help the family. They lived in an area that had a huge mafia
influence but the children in her family never became connected to that
world. The older brothers kept a very
close eye on them and on her. When the
children were grown, her mother never lived alone. One son and one daughter dedicated their
lives to her care.

I know
there are many subcultures in the US where this kind of “village
approach” is still in existence.
Several years ago I was lucky enough to do a yoga presentation to a
hospital that served a huge minority population. The day was designated as a “spa
day” for breast cancer survivors.
One of the young women I found myself chatting with had taken the day
off from work to accompany her mom to the event. When I commented on how nice that was of her,
she stopped me dead. “All my life
my mom has cared for me. It has been my
dream to be able to care for her one day and now I can. We live together and she helps me with my
children and I would do anything for her.”

I love my
mother and I love my mother-in-law. I
love my children and love my grandchildren and we spend a lot of time
together. But, we don’t live
together. Truth to tell, it’s not part
of our culture. Somewhere along the way,
we changed that. I think our family
still forms “a village” but it’s more of a virtual village.

One of my
favorite shows ever was The Golden Girls.
Do you remember the jingle, “Thank you for being my
friend.”? The Golden Girls was an
American sitcom created by Susan Harris, which originally aired on NBC from
September 14, 1985, to May 9, 1992. Starring Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue
McClanahan and Estelle Getty, the show centers on four older women sharing a
home in Miami, Florida. The Golden Girls
won several awards, including the Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Comedy
Series twice. It also won three Golden Globe Awards for Best Television Series – Musical or Comedy.
All four stars each received an Emmy Award throughout the series’ run
and had multiple nominations. The series also ranked among the top ten
highest-rated programs for six out of its seven seasons. (wikipedia.org)

I must
admit to this day when I hear that jingle I tear up. I know it wasn’t a real life situation. In my mind it represented an ideal. Four very different women sharing their
lives: their dreams, their challenges,
their stories and their flaws. Over the
years they went through every type of situation imaginable. They laughed, cried, argued, hugged and
loved. I know there have been many other
sitcoms that have stirred the emotions of many of us. Fictional people who seemed to become our
family. This, for me, was a prime
example. I wanted to tell them if the
day ever came when I was left alone, I planned on moving in.

After
having the opportunity to spend an extended period of time with my
daughter-in-law’s mother (three weeks), I think if I find myself alone, I would
thrive in such an environment. When my
son’s in-laws first came to visit they stayed for three months. I was quite concerned about how stressful
that might be. I had always been told
company and fish had the same shelf life.
At the time, my son and his wife lived in a one bedroom apartment and
the parents were not renting a car. I am
pleased to tell you that not only was my daughter-in-law sad to see her parents
leave but my son was sad.

In the
United States today a relative who is visiting is restricted to three
months. I’ve spoken with many people
whose relatives visit from other countries.
When they come, if possible, they come for the whole three months. Interestingly enough I’ve never heard anyone
complain. I can tell some are not too
fond of the extended visit but it is not part of their culture to complain
about or criticize their family.

My
husband and I have had several opportunities to go to The John C. Campbell Folk
School in Brasstown, NC. It is a school
dedicated to creating community through crafts.
It’s over 75 years old. It’s such
a treat to be there. Every aspect from
Morning Song to family style eating is about community. Many of the teachers are octogenarians and
older. It’s one of the few places I have
been in the United States where the wisdom of the aged is honored.

Whether
there’s wisdom or not, it’s awe inspiring for me to see how some cultures
respect and honor the generations before them. I think many in the US feel the
senior citizen is a bother and a nuisance.
For me I want what Aretha sings about “R E S P E C T.” That’s
what I want and if that’s what I want, it’s what I need to give.

There’s the story about the indigent farmer who
has made a box for his elderly father.
He encourages his father to get in the box and then quickly closes the
top. He begins to push it towards the
cliff. He’s had it! He’s finished! Then, he hears knocking from inside the
box. “What! What do you want old
man?” His father says, “Son, let me out. You can just carry me to the cliff. Your son will need this box for you.”

April 29, 2012 In Uncategorized

Easy to Unhook

Affirmation: I embrace the concept of being “easy to
unhook.”

In
Ecuador,in the home of my nuera, my daughter-in-law, there is not a TV in the
living area. In fact, I’ve visited
several of their relative’s homes and none of them have a TV in the main living
area. I know that there are homes in
many parts of the world that cannot afford a TV so that’s the least of their
issues and I know there are some homes in the United States who also keep their
living areas TV free. A couple of my
friends actually have this practice but when I visit Ecuador I have the
privilege of staying with my consuegra, my daughter-in-law’s mother sometimes
for extended periods. Perhaps the simple fact that they have a word for the
mother or father of their son or daughter’s in-law is an example of how
different their culture is than ours.

Our
home is not TV free. We have managed to
keep the TV out of the bedroom but it has a strong presence in our
kitchen. When the families that I have
met in Ecuador gather their main activity is conversation. I was lucky enough to be invited to the home
of one of the aunts for Fanesca. We were
away from the city and her family was gathering for a traditional Ecuadorean
feast. It’s celebrated after Easter
(Semana Santa.) In the past, all the
farmers would come together after they harvested their grains, which normally
occurred after Easter. It was explained to me that different farmers grew
different types of grains and so each family would contribute to the fanesca, the
potato type soup. It also contained many
different types of beans. The
celebration I attended had a fruit salad as its first course. In Ecuador the variety of fruit is
amazing. I was told there are 40
different types of bananas. After the
fruit came the soup. When the fanesca was served I was amazed that they had
enough dishes and glasses to serve everyone, no paper or plastic. The
accoutrements for the soup included empanadas, pickled vegetables, hard boiled
eggs and some sort of fish that looked like flaked tuna but tasted much
saltier. You decided if you wanted all
or some of the sides to put into your soup.
I tried them all but I had been forewarned about eating too much of the
grain-bean entree because visitors didn’t necessarily digest the soup
easily. After the soup came birthday
cake and ice cream. I knew I could
digest that just fine.

At
the aunt’s home there were three buildings.
The first was the home of her son and his family. Then, there was her home. It was a simple stone building with 1
bedroom. There is no heat or air
conditioning. If it’s cold, you close
the windows; if it’s hot, you open them.
The third building was the family gathering space. The day I visited, there were around 30
people, all ages. When we arrived I, a
complete stranger, was kissed by everyone there who could walk. If someone was
chatting with another or sitting down or running around playing, their activity
came to a halt and they came over to greet us.

We
were there about 4 hours. We talked and
then we talked some more. Most of the
adults made an effort to come over and sit with me and let me share some of my
visit in my halting, stumbling Spanish.
The really good news was how many of them are fluent in English. I also watched. The children even the teenagers either ran
around playing outside or just gathered and talked. There wasn’t any type of electronic gadgets
being used by anyone. Although many of
the adults had cell phones, few of them paid any attention to them. I wondered if the existence of the cell phone
was the beginning of the demise of this delightful “unhooked”
tradition.

Everywhere
we went during my visit it was the same.
Warm greetings from all and people who seemed to value time and
connecting to each other more than what was going on somewhere else or what was
coming next. Most evenings at home with
my host family, we sat and talked or my daughter-in-law spent hours helping me
with my Spanish. One evening we sat and
played cards, four of us including one of the teenage granddaughters. It was delightful.

I
had been thinking of redoing my living room to include one of those big screen
TVs that they show in all the commercials.
We have a TV but it’s behind a cabinet and it’s seldom used. After my Ecuadorian experience I’m wondering
if I shouldn’t remove it and the kitchen TV and try life “unhooked.”
I wonder if our family gatherings would include more talking or if everyone
would simply go off to find their personal way of connecting somewhere else. My eldest daughter and her husband and his
boys are good at being present to family and friends. I wonder if it’s a personality trait, a
cultural trait or if it’s something that can be learned? I wonder if our American culture will allow
us to “unhook?” I actually
find myself worrying about us loosing the art of visiting and
communicating.

The
cartoon Wally was a satire about what will happen to us in the future if we
don’t make an effort to change. The
people of earth were now living on a space ship because they had wrecked the
earth. Their arms and legs no longer
functioned because they had floating recliners and in front of them they had
floating monitors and that’s how they communicated. They weren’t even aware of the people next to
them until this rogue robot appeared and kept upsetting everything.

I
know our monitors and chairs are not floating yet but have you watched people
on the streets or in the airports or at parties? How many times have you been talking with
someone when their cell phone rang and they answered it, like you’re not even
there or like this person calling is
more important than you or like the caller will never call back or not leave a
message? Once again I am being called to
stay present to the moment and to the people I am with. My daughter-in-law describes my son, a
computer programmer, as someone who is “easy to unhook.” He doesn’t
even take his phone with him when he plays golf. I think that’s great!

There’s
my goal, I want to be “unhooked.” Actually, I’m pretty good at it.
The issue, and that’s a whole other story, is that I want my whole family to be
unhooked and I know I am not in charge of changing anyone except myself. I think if I suggested removing the TV from
the kitchen, some in my family would revolt.
Maybe I could just cover it with a towel and try doing without for a
week or two. I’m also considering
putting a basket by the front door in which people can drop their gadgets. Do you think anyone would come visit us
anymore? What if I promised to still
feed them? What if I promised they could
retrieve them at any time as long as they used them outside the house, like
most public places do with cigarettes. I
can see it now, most of my family standing on the front steps or in the driveway
until I call “dinner is served!”

January 7, 2012 In Uncategorized

Manifesting the New Year

Affirmation: I am always manifesting; I manifest to my highest and best.

The beginning of a new year can be filled with mixed feelings and expectations. Many years ago the cartoon For Better or For Worse had a New Year’s Day cartoon of Elizabeth, the young daughter, opening her new calendar and exclaiming “I can’t wait to put down all the wonderful things that will happen.” If I were to closely examine my reaction to a new year it would not necessarily be filled with the expectation of delightful events. I find I must be very aware of the feeling of dread that can present itself as I look forward to the future especially if I am dealing with post Christmas let-down. It takes a conscientious effort to turn my thinking around and to prepare myself for the delights that I am sure are waiting for me. Once again, I am faced with the choice of Faith or Fear.

I truly believe we manifest our own realities. I am always manifesting and I want to manifest to my highest and best. I don’t like to leave the quality of my life to chance. There are always things I can be working on that will enrich my life. One of my practices of many years is to take time at the beginning of the new year and to decide what’s important to me and what I’d like to see manifest itself. I do this by looking at the different aspects of my life and seeing what I want to emphasize and concentrate on.

I divide my life into several categories. Certainly, you can choose any that might work for you but mine are: Spiritual, Physical, Mental, Family & Friends, Material, Community and Financial. I set intentions and create affirmations for each section.

Spiritual: For example, one of my intentions is to meditate daily. I write: I meditate once a day for at least 20 minutes. Another Spiritual desire is to increase my faith so I write: I pray daily and I attend church weekly. I participate in my Small Christian Community and look for other opportunities to participate in events that will increase my faith.

Physical: My intention here is to be of optimal health. What steps do I need to take that will lead to that state? I write: I fine tune my diet by eating clean at least 80% of the time. I look for fun ways to exercise. I do some form of exercise daily.

Mental: I know I am either green and growing or ripe and rotten. I read a wonderful news article about a 93 year old man who recently learned to read and write. He then went on to publish a book. That’s my intention; to be learning as long as I’m alive. So I write: I look for opportunities that help me grow. I am studying the fiddle, Spanish and doing a crossword a day. I am open to all learning opportunities: travel, classes, lectures, documentaries, and new people and experience.

Family & Friends: When it comes to my Family and Friends category, I usually focus on what I’d like the most if they were considering me and try to create that intention for themselves. I would like more of their time and attention. So I write: I carve out a regular time to spend with each of my loved ones and look for opportunities when we can share experiences.

Material: I include the Material category because I feel we live in a material world and it needs to be addressed. In the past I’ve focused on living in a different house or perhaps making the house I live in, different, lighter, brighter, more comfortable. This year I write: I only keep the things I love and use and let go of the rest.

Community: Community is essential to everyone’s well being. I write: I volunteer my time, treasure and talent to help those who are within my power to be of help to. I focus my talents on projects that I know make a positive difference in the lives of others. I enjoy sharing my home with my friends and family and look for opportunities to do so.

Financial: I attract financial prosperity. I look for opportunities that increase our income and that decrease our expenses.

I don’t review them regularly. I have found that there is great power in simply writing out my intentions and then letting them marinate. I usually review last year’s at the beginning of the New Year. I am always fascinated by how many of the intentions have come to fruition; fascinated and grateful that I took the time to work on manifesting the year ahead. What do you want your New Year to manifest? Claim some time, give it some thought and put it on paper. Fill in your calendar now before the year starts. Fill it in with all the things you want it to hold: joy, love, hope, peace, great health, adventure. It’s yours; it’s waiting for you to claim it and to manifest it.

December 23, 2011 In Uncategorized

Perfecting Christmas

Affirmation: I let go of perfection.

Christmas is almost upon us. At this writing there are only 2 days left. My entire family will be here, all our children, all our grandchildren, all the in-laws and both of our mothers. There might even be a few coming of whom I’m not aware. I feel blessed to be surrounded by so many loving people and the really good news is everyone usually likes everyone else. I am also blessed because I have the good health and the energy to do everything I like to do for Christmas.

I love to decorate the house. I would like to leave my Christmas tree up all year long. I love having red sparkly and gold glitzy things all around. It makes me feel warm and enlivened. I love to put together the Christmas cards and I love to snail mail them out to all the people on my list. I like recalling the memories associated with each one as I write their names and try to take enough time to say a small blessing over each envelope. I usually send a photo card and I love to go through the year’s photos, re-live the memories and choose the best picture of each person. I also like to do a photo family calendar. I was so excited the first time I saw such a thing. I knew it would be something I would try. The first year, it took me days to get it done. The good news is now it only takes hours. I’m sure someday I’ll be even more efficient but it’s OK either way. I love going over the year’s photos and putting different memories on each monthly page and then putting my loved one’s photos in the date box of their birthday.

In the South Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving. Yes, it starts much earlier in the stores; earlier and earlier each year and some of my neighbors have their houses decorated before Thanksgiving. But, for many of us here in North Carolina, at least in the area I live in, the decorations go up Thanksgiving weekend. I love that too. I get to enjoy the festive sprit in my home for about a month.

But, even though I am crazy about all the activies involved in our celebration, I can stress out. Yes, there is good stress and there is bad stress but stress is stress and it can be exhausting. Most of our traditions seem to be activities that I have taken on as my responsibility. I purchase most of the gifts. I plan the menu. I buy most of the food. I wrap most of the presents. You can probably add to the list. Most women reading this probably have many other items for which they feel responsible. I usually handle most of our activities fairly well unless life happens. You know about life. Life is what happens in between all our plans.

I like order. I like things neat and clean. There are times when I’m sure my desire for order borders on obsessive-compulsive. But, the truth is there is only so much time and energy and money and at some point, I have to let some things slide. It’s a requirement to maintain my mental and physical health. I have several artist friends and they occasionally speak about what happens to their art work when they strive for perfection. They add one more dab of paint, one more stroke of the brush, one more line to the drawing or one more turn to the potter’s wheel and they have ruined their work. From them, I have taken the lesson that while I strive to do my best, I cannot always expect perfection from myself. When I do that, I will consistently ruin my work and ruin the enjoyment I take from the process. I must tell myself, “I let go of perfection.” The more I practice releasing myself from unrealistic expectations, the more joyful I am. The more I practice letting go of going for the gold, the more relaxed I am. And, when I can be centered and calm, my Christmas, my life and the life of many of those around me is filled with the things that are truly important to me and to the world; peace, love, joy, compassion and gratitude.

May you and your loved ones have a Blessed Christmas, a Happy Holiday season and a Happy New Year.

Affirmation: Being a mother is my greatest joy.

Jean A. Costa

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