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Jean A. Costa / Posts tagged "happy"
April 25, 2015 In Affirmations

Choosing My Words

Affirmation: I carefully choose my words.

WTRCover_left-2The May/June 2015 Issue of Where to Retire had an article about things recommended to help oneself develop habits to improve the quality of one’s life. One of the suggestions was to “create affirmations.” The example they used revolved around the discipline of daily exercise. Now, everyone knows that a body needs to move in order to stay healthy. There are some that say exercise is “the fountain of youth” and others have said that if there were a way to bottle all the benefits and turn them into pill form, it would be like an “elixir of the gods.” Knowing and doing, however, are two very different things. What guidance could the article offer to get people more involved in exercise? I was pleased to see their approach was to reframe what one said to oneself about his or her activity. According to the article, if you tell yourself you’re a swimmer, runner, walker, tennis player, golfer, etc. you will be more likely to actively pursue that activity. Not only will you be telling yourself, you’ll probably use those same words to describe yourself to others. It’s the process of labeling ourselves and don’t we do that all the time, with or without intention and sometimes to our detriment, not to our benefit?

The sub-title of my book, Creating Positive Affirmations is, Living an Intentional Life. I believe with my whole heart and mind that what we choose to say to ourselves affects every aspect of our being, all the way to our cellular structure. When we choose those words and phrases that nurture and empower us, our whole being responds to them. It’s no different when we choose to degrade and demean ourselves. My husband, Sandy, is always reminding people to be compassionate with themselves. He reminds them that we are usually our own worst enemy. We can treat ourselves harder than we would treat even an enemy, no less a friend. We filet ourselves over something we did or said over and over whereas we have already forgiven and probably forgotten something someone else mistakenly did.

positivethinking-2I’m not speaking here of becoming narcissistic. We aren’t here to live lives of conceit and contempt. We are here to be powerful through humility and service. One way to achieve that balance is to carefully choose your language. Louise Hay has been guiding us to powerful words and phrases for decades. Norman Vincent Peale wrote about “positive thinking.” It’s no different than exercise. It’s a simple concept but it can be hard to put it into practice but once you do; once you start to see the amazing uplifting impact it has on your life, you won’t want to live any other way.

That’s why I began writing this blog. It was because I felt I had discovered the best “shoe store in the world.” These shoes were so good looking and you could wear them forever and they would never hurt and they were on sale!” That’s how I felt about discovering positive affirmations. My life shifted. My mood shifted. My health and my relationships became better. I felt I had an obligation to share this tool with others. I know not everyone is interested in what I have to say but I don’t really care. I’m so excited about how this skill has made me feel, I need to shout about it.

I have a dear friend who once told me she has “a healing body.” She’s had several serious ailments that she has overcome and she truly believes that her body likes to heal. Now, I know it can be foolish to not seek help when one is ill. I don’t believe in denial but I can tell you from experience that if you believe your body is supporting you in your efforts to heal, you will heal. You may not be cured of all that is affecting you but healing will definitely take place. I’ve watched many friends go into life threatening illnesses with attitudes of powerful warriors and been amazed by the outcome of their battle. Inspired would be a better word. So many have overcome and for those that didn’t, their strength and courage brought their world to a whole better place.

ScreenShot2015-04-24at11.27.08PMSixty Minutes did a special segment in March of 2015, on the latest successful research being done at the Robert Tish Brain Tumor Center at Duke Hospital. Dr. Mattias Gromeief has been modifying the polio vaccine and injecting it into tumors. He’s been working on it for over twenty-five years. The tumor dies. The center has been using the virus to successfully treat glioblastomas, an up until now always terminal brain tumor. Sandy and I know a lot about this since both his father, Joe Costa and my father, Frank Grolimund died from a “glio.” The TV special interviewed two people who were completely cured. It was a miracle! They also interviewed people who were part of the clinical study who died because of not yet knowing the correct dose of the virus to administer. They were all brave battle ready warriors. Their strength and courage lifted all in their story to new heights and hopes.

Words! What words do you choose to label yourself with? My daughter, Melissa, has given me several very meaningful gifts. She had a tote bag and a shirt made for me that said, “Happy is a habit” and this Christmas I received a teapot hand decorated with the phrase, “I am a bold adventuress.” I can as easily fall into, go down into those places of despair, sadness and self pity as the next person but I have discovered that I can also recognize what I’m doing, thinking and saying and with some effort and practice, I can turn those phrases around and choose to create not just sentences that sound cheery and upbeat but a life that is rich and meaningful and marvelous. And, who among us would not want to share those tools with others? Who does not want to help the world to a better place? Who doesn’t want a cheap pair of the nicest, most comfortable “shoes” ever?

JeanCostaTeapot

September 15, 2012 In Uncategorized

Letting Go of Childhood Limitations

Affirmation:  I let
go of my childhood limitations.

How can one be over the age of 50, 60, 70 and still be restricted
or controlled by emotions and concepts that influenced them as they were
growing up?  How can one not?  I’m speaking about those emotions and
concepts that deter us from true joy, that interfere with our ability to
completely savor and embrace life.  And, is it even possible to release
oneself, to become an adult in one’s own right?  Is it possible to grasp
the positive qualities that serve us and our loved ones and let go of those,
perhaps at least acknowledge and appreciate the experience but then let go of
those concepts that are damaging us?

Part of the creative process encouraged in Julia Cameron’s The
Artist’s Way, is an examination of what one felt was lacking in their
childhood.  I was a lucky person.  Looking back on my childhood I remember a lot
of freedom and amazingly, even with all that freedom, I never experienced any
trauma.  My mother and my father worked
very hard and while my grandparents lived below our one bedroom apartment for
the first ten years of my life, that was about the extent of our family.  My father was an only child and my mom’s
siblings were more than a decade older than her and did not live close.  I grew up in Jamaica, Queens.  When the city was preparing for the 1964
World’s Fair, they took down all the trees along my street, Grand Central
Parkway, and I could actually see the Empire State Building from my house. 

It was not an inner city neighborhood but it was close.  Most of the houses were attached brick homes
with the driveway in the back alley.  We
had about ten square feet of lawn in the front and my dad paved over the back
yard so we had room to park our cars.  My
mom had a clothes line that went from the second story kitchen window to a pole
out back and she hung most of our laundry out to dry.  I would head out to play early in the day and
wouldn’t return until the street lights went on.  We played hard.  We skated, rode bikes, climbed walls and
trees.  We played tag, jumped rope and
played stick ball.  In the winter we ice
skated several miles from the house and rode our sleds down the back alley
driveways.  No one ever seemed to come
look for us and if you can imagine, we didn’t have cell phones!  We were free. 
We had a lot of choices.  I grew
up believing I could do anything.  I
wasn’t sure what that was or where it would lead me, but there were no
boundaries for me as a child.  I assumed
there wouldn’t be any for me as an adult. 
Oh, I was well aware of the fact that I was a girl but when it came to
running, climbing and skating, I was equal to any boy.  It wasn’t until college that I discovered
women were expected to only follow certain paths. 

After Julia has you examine what you thought you lacked as a
child, she then encourages you to find ways to parent yourself, to nurture
yourself.  You can’t begin to let go and
to heal until you recognize what it is you were missing.  Maybe you never felt loved enough.  Maybe you never felt valued enough.  My parents were so busy that I never felt I
received enough affection.  Of course, so
much of our childhood memories can be so skewed.  I once heard the story of a young woman who
recalled a fainting episode to her mother. 
She was shocked to learn she hadn’t fainted at all, it had been her
sister!  But, whether or not our feelings
are based on reality or perception, doesn’t matter.  They are our feelings.  I can still recall childhood incidents that
make me feel sad or happy or frightened and my childhood ended more than half a
century ago.  And now life moves
onward.  There are times when you need to
let go of any junk you feel about your childhood.  At some point if you hope to be healthy and
happy you simply need to “get over it.” 

I am my mother’s main caregiver.  I am very blessed because
at 90 she is still extremely healthy and independent.  I’m the oldest of
three and mom chose to move near me over 15 years ago.  She made the move
all by herself.  She likes to be independent and self- sufficient. 
It empowers her as it probably does most of us.  My prayer for Mom is that
she will continue to have joy and maintain dignity as she finishes out her
life.  I only want to love her and enjoy her presence. I want to be the
“good little girl” and make her happy.  I want to take whatever
steps needed to help her feel better, to make her happy.  I’m 66 years old
and the child in me still wants to please my mother but I know, this is a fact,
that no matter what or how much I do, I cannot please her long term.  I
cannot make her happy.  Sister Mary Margaret from A Place for Women to
Gather says, “Happiness is an inside job.”  There is only one person who
can make us happy, us. 

That’s why I create affirmations.  It’s all up to me what I
think, how I perceive life, how I feel.  I cannot remain the good little
girl and live frustrated and sad because of anyone. I must let go of ALL
my childhood limitations and embrace my own adult determination to create my
own happiness.  Have you looked at your childhood limitations?  Are
they interfering with the quality of your life?  Can you too release
them?  Do you want to?

A reporter went to interview a man who was very down on his
luck.  He had lost everything dear to him
and had fallen into a chronic alcoholic state. 
“Why do you think your life has turned out this way?” he asked.  The man shared with him that his father was
an alcoholic and he never held out much hope for himself.  Then the reporter went to interview the man’s
brother.  He was surprised to find him
leading a very happy, successful life. 
He decided to ask him the same question, “Why do you think your life has
turned out this way?”  The brother said,
“Well, for heaven’s sake, my father was a chronic alcoholic.  I watched him all through my childhood and
decided my life was never going to follow that path.” 

Life is all about our choices. 
We get to choose what lessons we want to learn from our childhood.  We get to decide if we’re going to carry the
sad, remorseful feelings with us into adulthood and let them weigh us down or
if we are going to learn the lesson, release ourselves from the limitations and
grow up healthy and happy. 
December 17, 2011 In Uncategorized

Perception

Affirmation:  I am the product of my genes and my thoughts and my thoughts influence my cellular structure.
Stephen Covey the author of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People tells a story about a man on a subway train with his children.  The children are out of control and most of the people on the train are looking very annoyed.  Have you ever ridden the subway?  Usually the only noise one hears is the train itself.  It can be a very meditative space.  Finally the man looks up and explains to the people in his immediate area that his wife has just died and he’s not sure what to do next.  No one was annoyed any longer. They shifted their perception.  But, couldn’t they have held a more compassionate response to the family without that information?  If they were going to judge couldn’t they have given him, the father, the benefit of the doubt in the beginning?

I play the fiddle.  I seldom claim to be a fiddler.  It’s the same with golf.  I usually say “I play golf.”  I have never said “I am a golfer.”  Can you hear the difference?  There are titles I claim for myself but fiddler and golfer are neither of them. 
This last week the message that has appeared has been about perception.  It’s appeared in many conversations and in several of my readings.  It’s been about how we perceive (judge) what others “do” or “don’t do” and how we relate their behavior to ourselves;  how we perceive ourselves through their behavior. 
I like people to be happy.  I like them to feel good.  I can sometimes try to orchestrate another’s feel good mood even if I don’t really know them very well.  And, I will normally remove myself from someone who is grouchy and complaining.  That’s not to say I am not compassionate and I have learned not to always comfort those in pain but to simply sit with them and allow them to experience their feelings.  But, on a daily basis I encourage smiles and warm hearts.  I find it quite easy to raise people’s spirits, a smile, a hug, a genuine warm welcome and usually people respond in a very positive manner.
But, what about those who do not respond?  Am I the reason?  Did I “do” or “not do” something?  Is everyone’s happiness my responsibility?  Sister Mary Margaret from a Place for Women to Gather in Raleigh, NC says “Happiness is an inside job.”  There is only one person’s happiness and sense of well being I am responsible for, me.  Sure, I’d like to believe I am all powerful and can influence the emotional state of all those in my life but I can’t and truth to tell whether they are happy or unhappy usually has very little, if anything to do with me.  It’s all about them.  And, then there’s all that stuff we make up in our minds about what people are thinking and there’s the rub.

My plan for playing my fiddle at my group’s very first performance was to occasionally fake fiddle.  I mean there were twelve of us.  Who other than my teacher could possibly tell if I missed a few notes or dropped out if I were totally lost?  Well, the two people who sat down only four feet from me were concert musicians.  I had recently been introduced to them and I was told the gentleman was a concert violinist and composer.  And, there they were directly in front of me!  I knew without a doubt that they could hear every wrong note I hit and I hit many many wrong notes. I knew what they were thinking.  I made up a whole store in my head and it wasn’t very affirming.  In fact, it was quite demoralizing.

No, I couldn’t stop and turn my thinking around.  There was just too much going on for me to calm myself.  But the day after the recital, I realized what I had done.  I had robbed myself of the joy of the moment by imagining the thoughts of two people I didn’t even know and even if they thought my fiddling to be substandard, why should I care?  I was with my friends, making music and playing for free for the benefit of others.  Oh, it’s not the first time I’ve compared my inside with someone else’s outside and every time it’s a devaluing experience.  But, each time I do it, I become more aware of the exercise and hopefully, recognize my behavior and let go of what I think they’re thinking and I let go of caring what the other person or persons are thinking.  “Happiness is an inside job” and I can choose for myself not to be reactive to my imagination.  Or, I can choose to imagine with compassion and kindness whether I’m imagining for myself or about others. 
Our life is our perception.  Choose carefully.  Be kind to yourself and to those around you.