joy – Jean A. Costa

joy

-1

archive,tag,tag-joy,tag-807,stockholm-core-1.1,select-theme-ver-5.1.7,ajax_fade,page_not_loaded,wpb-js-composer js-comp-ver-6.0.3,vc_responsive

December 27, 2015 In Affirmations, Women

The Devil’s Tool

Affirmation: I Choose Joy.

Joy to the world! The Lord has come
Let earth receive her King!
Let every heart prepare Him room

The 2016 Christmas season is here as I write this. Christmas day has come and gone but the season itself lasts until January 6th, Three Kings’ Day. I had spent the beginning of the season preparing for Christmas. I was ready. The question, however, that I kept asking myself was for what had I, we, all of us been preparing?

st._michael__event_image-1 At the beginning of Advent Father Ryan at Saint Michael the Archangel Catholic Church offered a suggestion to help the faithful prepare. He simply suggested that we focus on joy. It’s such a simple suggestion, so simple but like so many things in life, so very difficult. Maybe not for everyone but I have a feeling it’s true for many people especially at this time of year when we are being reminded, have been reminded for many weeks about how the season “should” look and feel.

I’ve been facilitating a group at A Place for Women to Gather here in Raleigh, North Carolina for the last few months of 2015. We call it “A Sacred Circle.” There are half a dozen women who participate, sometimes more. We take some time to center and talk some about our journaling process. We each create a positive affirmation to focus on for the month, or perhaps the year or maybe for our entire lives. The question I usually ask is, “Do you find that focusing on your affirmation has made any difference in your life?” Let’s face it, if you’re working on living intentionally and you aren’t seeing or feeling any difference, you should find another approach; although I believe with all my being that if you’re truly working on this process of journaling and writing out your affirmations, it cannot not work. The answer is usually “definitely.” I share this with you because my affirmation for December ( or perhaps forever) is, “I focus on the joy in all things.” How, you may ask, has that worked for me?

My gifted acupuncturist, Jennifer Spain, of Ancient Elements Accupuncture always seems to have a lesson for me along with the healing she encourages. Maybe the two can’t be separated. One of our sessions focused on how we manifest reality. I’ve always believed in that principle. It’s another of my affirmations, “I am always manifesting. I manifest my highest and best.” She took this to another level when she proposed that everything that becomes “real” begins energetically. I must admit I forget that we are energy. We are pure energy, just like the moon and the stars, the flowers and the trees, the hills and the dales. It’s hard to imagine that our solid forms are a zillion little atoms and other forms of energy that appear to be solid but that’s the reality. Not only are we first formed by “intention” but everything that comes about begins with a thought, either consciously or unconsciously. Recognizing this concept brings a whole new importance to choosing our thoughts. Do I want to manifest joy or do I manifest fear and anxiety and all the other negative emotions that bring sadness and gloom?

Have you ever been rolling along feeling great and having fun when all of a sudden some unsettling thought pops into your head? I was sitting at a delightful concert with my husband when out of the blue I began to become anxious about some event that I was imagining might take place at sometime in the future. I couldn’t believe what I was doing to myself. All of a sudden my heart was beating too fast, my hands became sweaty and my muscles were feeling achy. Where, how, why was this going on? The joy I had been feeling just moments before was sucked out and I was in “fight or flight” mode. I felt terrible. How did this benefit me? Who did it benefit? Was this how my loving God wanted me to feel? I don’t think so.

images-1 There’s a lot of stories about the devil. Of course, it all begins for most Christians with Genesis and the creation story of the Garden of Eden. The story is that he took the form of a snake and transformed the garden into the world we have now. He, Satan, did not want those two people, Adam and Eve, or for that matter any of us to be content and happy. Whether or not you take the tale literally the message is the same. There is a force beyond our understanding that relishes our state of suffering; not only does it relish it, it does whatever is necessary to promote it. As I sat at that concert and felt that feeling of panic come over me, I decided the devil was moving in using his or her tools to sap my joy and my peace. Once I discovered who or what was at work here, I could then chase it away with a command to “go to hell” or “get behind me Satan” and reclaim my equilibrium. The devil may have tools but I have tools too. I have prayer and faith and a brain that I can use to foster those skills that sooth me and lift me up and one that has changed my life is deciding how and what I want to claim. I claim joy!

Tom Hanks portrayed James Donovan in the film Bridge of Spies. It’s the story of the Cold War and an attorney who is asked by his government to facilitate the swap of a prisoner of war between Russia and the US. The spy is played by the veteran actor Mark Rylance. Tom Hanks keeps asking him if he’s worried, frightened, anxious? And the spy, Rudolph Abel keeps answering with the phase, “Would that make a difference?” Since its release several people have mentioned this movie to me and each one has focused on that phase. “Would that make a difference?” Everyone seemed to understand that it would not. The challenge is to move that understanding from our heads to our hearts. Once we’ve accomplished that, we will be in a very good place.

MV5BNDkzODEyOTU0OF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMzQyNDI5NjE40._V1_UY100_CR252C02C1002C100_AL_ My preparation for Christmas revolved around my affirmation created during our December Sacred Circle, “I choose joy in all things” and I found that it did definitely make a difference in how I approached not only the season but each activity in which I participated, each person with whom I interacted, and most importantly each moment I was able to let the intention of claiming joy reside in my heart.

May you too have a Blessed, Joyful Christmas and a Happy New Year.

943449_881657821947011_8247563994462780332_n-1

January 19, 2014 In Faith

Praying the Rosary

Affirmation: I am committed to cultivating compassion for
those who most need God’s mercy.

Many years ago when my husband Sandy and I were in New York City
we went to Ellis Island. It had recently
opened and I was very anxious to see it.
I knew that both our ancestors had entered the United States through
that terminal and even if they hadn’t I felt it was an amazing opportunity to
experience at least a trace of the United States’ history in a very real way. It was late in the day when we headed off for
the tour. It was a rainy dark day. We stood on the line to embark on the ship
and finally boarded and headed towards the island. It was remarkable! I was stunned by the size of the entry hall
and took time to imagine what it would have been like to come into it, wondering
if I would be allowed to enter the country or if I would be turned away. I could only imagine the exhaustion and
anxiety that would accompany such an experience.

We didn’t have as much time as I would have
liked because we’d started out so late but I was pleased that we had made the
effort. The last ferry was about to leave. It was still raining and now it was totally
dark. We again waited on line to board
the ship. When we finally got aboard,
there weren’t any seats but there was a little shelter towards the bow. My husband and I were quiet with our
thoughts. I decided to say the Rosary as
we headed back to port. When you
disembark the ship at Battery Park there is not a que for the taxis. One must search for transportation and if
you’re trying to get back uptown it can be a very daunting exercise. There weren’t any taxis to be found
anywhere. There were all these people
vying for a ride and it was crazy! We
decided to head off in the opposite direction of the crowd, to take the
“path less traveled.” As we
walked along we were quiet and I threw in a few more Hail Mary’s. Roaming around that area in the dark was not the
best choice, even for two street wise people from NYC.

We were becoming concerned when we turned a
corner and two people were exiting a taxi.
We immediately got into it and took a few deep breaths. I don’t remember the cabbie’s name and why,
you ask, would I? Well, the first thing
we noticed is that he had on a classic music station; it was playing Pachelbel’s
Cannon. I could feel the tension drain away, not only from me but from my
husband and then we both noticed the Rosary hanging from the cabbie’s rear view
mirror. I smiled. I might have even giggled a bit. My husband turned in the seat and looked
directly at me and said, “You’ve been praying the Rosary, haven’t
you?”

Now, this was quite a while back.
I say this because now if you hail a cab in NY, the driver probably
doesn’t speak English and they won’t have music on, they have TV screens with
advertisements that demand your attention but even then, many years ago, most of
the cabbies were from another country.
The probability of getting an English speaking driver was very low. The probability of getting an English
speaking, Rosary practicing Catholic cabby was miraculous.

I have a young friend who is not a Catholic. She was raised a Christian but her life has
taken her in another direction at this point.
She recently shared with me that she was reading a book about Mother
Mary, the goddess. It’s not the first
time someone has told me they thought of the Blessed Mother as a goddess. I once went for an interview for a graduate
program and when I told the interviewer that I was a Catholic, she exclaimed,
“Oh, that’s so cool! Your faith has
a goddess, Mother Mary.” At that
time I was surprised. So, I wasn’t
surprised this time. What surprised me
is that my friend shared that she had begun to pray to Mary. She shared that she’d had an issue with a
loved one who was not well and she didn’t want to add to her relatives’
distress. Instead she wrote a letter to
Mary, burned it and asked for peace. She
was sharing with me that peace came, almost immediately and it had remained
with her up to this point.

Catholics are sometimes criticized for praying to others besides
Christ. It’s true we do, or I should
say, I do. It’s not that we’re really
praying to another. We’re really asking
that spiritual being who we believe is closer to God at that moment than we
are, to intercede for us. I pray to St.
Anthony, the patron saint of lost things, more and more often. It never
fails! “Saint Anthony, Saint
Anthony please look around. I’ve lost my
_______ and it needs to be found.”
I recite a lot of memorized prayers and several I’ve made up. I also pray the Rosary. It was once explained to me that Mother Mary
can intercede for us by asking for what we really need, many times when we
don’t even have a clue about what we really need.

It is part of the practice to meditate on one of the Mysteries of
the Rosary before beginning the prayers for each of the five decades of ten
beads. There are four Mysteries each one
assigned to a different day or days of the week. They take you from the conception of Christ
to the Assumption of Mary. I’ve been
saying the Rosary since I was a child and love to pray it especially as I walk
around our nearby lake. I find comfort
in the recitation. With the reading of
Father Haas’ book, Catching Fire, Becoming Flame, I decided to make an
effort to recite the Rosary daily. He
calls us to be of service. He reminds us
that being of service is the purpose of our existence and we are especially
called to be of service to those most in need.
I believe that to be true and while I am a volunteer in many ministries,
I wanted to do even more for the marginalized of society. I wanted to find a way to bring comfort and
peace and hope to those most in need. I
therefore, have committed to saying the Rosary, daily, for those God deems most
in need of help. I believe in answered
prayer. I achingly hope that my
thoughts, intentions and the energy I am sending forth into the universe are
tenderly touching the lives of those who are suffering. I feel it’s a step, perhaps the first step
for me, towards feeling a greater sense of compassion for those who most need
God’s mercy.

If Mother Mary can bring peace to a non-believer and a NY taxi to
a couple of nervous, wet, cold travelers, I am very hopeful about what she can
do for the comfort of those who so desperately are in need of comfort. Join me.
Pray your set of prayers for those who are suffering. Imagine our energy bringing solace, hope,
maybe even joy to those who are suffering more than we can even imagine. Every
thought we think, every word we say, every action we take affects everyone else
in the world. May our thoughts and energy bring peace, salvation and perhaps
even joy to those who suffer more than we can even imagine.

December 16, 2013 In Uncategorized

Searching for Service

Affirmation: I pray
daily for those who most need God’s mercy and open myself to be of service to
whomever She sends me.

Pope Francis, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, has inspired the world. He was elected pope in April of this year
following the historic resignation of Pope Benedict XVI. He didn’t want to be Pope. He didn’t expect to become the Pope. He had already purchased his return ticket
for Argentina. Immediately after his
election all sorts of tales began appearing in the news. It appears he is a very newsworthy person. One of the first stories was about him paying
the bill for his hotel room, himself and then taking a taxi back to where he
needed to be. Now, I’ve done those
things many times in my life as I’m sure you may have, but no one ever thought
it was of so much interest that they announced it in the media! The behavior and words of Pope Francis have
since been announced and scrutinized. He
is both applauded and criticized. He is
unlike most world leaders and yet he is subject to the same scrutiny as all of
them. He comes up short for some but it
appears as of this date, he is mostly being hailed as a man of humility and
wisdom, two qualities we all should strive to possess but which if possessed by
our leaders make for a kinder, more compassionate society.

This month Pope Francis was named Person of the Year by Time
Magazine. It appears the criteria
for this acknowledgement is who Time believes has had the greatest
impact on society during the year. It is
not always someone who has had a positive effect on our world. The opposite is
true for Pope Francis. They named him
because of his philosophy or a better word would be theology. His mission is to provide care and dignity
for all human beings. Mother Teresa also
had that mission. It’s what Jesus Christ’s mission was when He walked on this
earth and according to our Catholic tradition Pope Francis is His
representative here, today. He is the
266th pope and so far he has shown himself to be quite unique in his role as
Pope. There’s been a photo circulating
on the internet that shows Pope Francis in one half and Pope Benedict XVI in
the other. It says “Can you see the
differences?” Unlike the Sunday
cartoon quiz which makes it difficult to pick out the different character, this
“quiz” is very easy. Pope
Francis has abandoned the fancy trappings used by the pope’s of the past.

The latest picture being circulated is of Pope Francis kissing
the head of a severely disfigured man.
There’s a rumor that he goes out into the slums of Italy and provides
solace for the populace. It is a fact
that he did this when he was in Argentina, so it’s not too farfetched to
believe he’s continued this practice.
His first encyclical addressed the distribution of wealth throughout the
world. He doesn’t believe the system
most countries, including ours works to the benefit of the neediest. Conservatives who only focus on economics
aren’t very happy with the Pope’s message but the Pope isn’t concerned with
their opinion. He is only concerned with
how society will respond to the needs of the most poor and the most suffering
of us. Yes, I said us.

In my daily reading Spiritual Insights the focus for the month of
December is unity. Each day I am
reminded that we are all one. Once you
begin to believe that, you will recognize that if one of us is suffering we are
responsible to find a way to alleviate that suffering and the world is
suffering of this there is no doubt. It
takes very little awareness to recognize the distress of this world. Sometimes when I hear some of the stories, I
am completely overwhelmed by what’s going on.
I am horrified by the cruelty. I
fully recognize that I don’t even have a clue of the horrors that are taking
place in our world even as I write this and to be honest, I really don’t want
to know the details. I only know they
exist and as the year has passed I have found myself called to step up and to
be more aware of the poor and suffering and to reach out in a way that
alleviates their suffering, perhaps even brings them joy and peace.

It’s the message I have been receiving these last few
months. It began before Pope Francis was
even elected. It has been here all along
as all important messages are but I wasn’t ready to fully embrace it. I mean what can I do to help those most in
need? The second part of that question
is, what will I be called on to do and am I ready and willing? The clearest message came from Albert Haase’s
book Catching Fire Becoming Flame.
He says that focusing on Christ
“leads us right into the heart of a suffering, needy world where we
are sent to respond lovingly to the unmet need or required duty of the present
moment.” It is our mission in
life. It is our reason for existing, to
make the world a kinder more compassionate place.

As my friend and I walked around the lake we talked about how we
can help change the world. It was a good
walk! What can we possibly do to aid in
the conversion of hearts to bring them to a place of love and peace? We can begin with ourselves. The first place where the transformation must
begin is within our own hearts. Luke
1:68-79 says “Let there be peace on hearth and let it begin with
me.” After that the soul is open to
the flame of transformation. If you take
some time every day to connect to the Divine, you will be led to opportunities
to ease the suffering of another, of others.
The opportunity is there. There
are so many ways to be of service if one is asking to receive them.

A friend of mine once stopped to talk to a man who looked quite
deranged and was obviously homeless. She
asked him how he was doing and engaged him in a very nice discussion. The rest of us had walked past, quickly. Afterwards I asked her why she had done
that. She told me she asked God every
day to send people to her who were in need and to whom she could respond. She told me she never knew where they would
appear and she couldn’t take the chance of passing someone by that might be an
answer to her prayers. Do you think her
kind words made any difference?

A study that took place in NYC had two groups of people passing
by pedestrians on a busy sidewalk. One
group would nod and smile at the stranger passing by them. The other group would ignore the
stranger. The researchers then asked the
stranger a few questions about how they were feeling. (How they got someone in NYC to stop and chat
with them was amazing to me but they did.) The people who were smiled at had a
higher level of contentment than those who were ignored. If just a simple smile from a stranger can
add to the joy of this world, what a difference we can make if we are making an
effort to ease the suffering and pain of whomever we meet and hopefully,
whomever we are holding in our prayers.

Trust me, just like my friend, once you ask God to allow you to
be of service, opportunities will present themselves and once you open yourself
up to caring about the marginalized and suffering of this world, not only will
you make a difference in other’s lives, you will make a difference in your
life. Your heart and this world will be
transformed.

March 10, 2013 In Faith

Savoring Joy

Affirmation: I savor all the joyful experiences of my
life.

I have read that
most people remember their negative or sad experiences better than they
remember their positive, happy experiences. According to the article we have a
tendency to dwell on the negative and sad and to barely notice the joyful
experiences therefore, not fully absorbing them. The advice given was that we
take more notice of the uplifting events; that we let them soak into our
cellular structure by savoring them, not letting them slip by unvalued.

Recently, I
adopted the tool of each morning writing out three joys experienced the day
before. The practice is helping me pay
closer attention to what enhances the quality of my life. I notice those things that make me smile and
make a mental note. Then by writing them
out the next day I’m recording them
not only on paper but in my heart.

My mother-in-law
turned 92 this year. Have you ever wondered what you’d be like in your
old age, or if you’ll
even have an old age? (That’s
a whole other topic.) My mom, Margaret is 90 this year.

My
mother-in-law is named Yolanda. They both live independently and are lucky
enough to live in adult communities that offer not only a myriad of services
but easy access to community. They are also in very good health. I visit my mom regularly. Getting old is not for the faint of
heart. It can be a very difficult time
of life. I often wonder what that will
be like for me. I’ve been taking note of
how different people approach what appears to be the same situation. I’m taking notes with the hope that I will
learn how to maintain my sense of joy and adventure. Is it a deep abiding faith? Is it cellular, once an optimist, always an
optimist? Is it being able to review
your life and value, truly value, all you’ve accomplished?

My husband and I
usually travel to see Yolanda for her birthday. I spend the time soaking in the
joy that Yolanda eludes. She counts her birthday cards and reads each one to us
and tells us about the people who sent them, if we don’t already know them. If
we do know them, she tells us about them anyway. She tells us how wonderful
they all are. How kind and talented and smart they are. It’s such fun to
listen to her take pleasure in her family and friends. She’s one of the most
non-judgmental, unconditionally loving people I have ever met. I’ve been blessed by
having her for a mentor and a friend. I’ve
learned so much from this woman who readily accepted me as her daughter simply
because her son loved me.

We moved away from
the New York area very soon after her first granddaughter was born. Melissa was
six weeks old and we moved to a farm town five hours away. They must have been
so unsettled by our decision. But, they never let on, neither she nor Sandy’s dad, Joe. They
simply showed up any chance they got bringing home cooked meals and gifts
galore. I was young. I was a little defensive about keeping my own space, my
own house and I didn’t
fully appreciate what a gift I was being given.
Now, a grandmother myself I fully appreciate all she and Sandy’s father
did for us.

She now lives in
Savannah. She moved there right before her 90th birthday. We drove
her to the airport; she got on a plane and began a whole new life. I was in
awe. I can only hope that when I’m
90 I will have the gumption to make a lifestyle change.

There are so many
lessons to learn about life from Yolanda. She has a deep abiding faith. She loves people; they are usually good and
kind and generous, according to her.
She’s lived a rich life caring for her family and pursuing a
career. Her whole view of life is
flavored with love: love of God, love of family and friends, love of memories,
love of being alive each and every day.
I’m
sure you have people in your life from whom you too have learned a lot. But,
one of the lessons I took away from
sharing Yolanda’s celebrations with her was how important it is to savor the
joys of our lives and to absorb them. I believe it will color our attitude, our
health, our quality of life not only now but for the rest of our lives and then
maybe we too can be 90 or 92 or 100+ and giggle and enjoy all the wonderful
moments and celebrations of our lives.

January 13, 2013 In Uncategorized

Finding Your Joy

Affirmation: I intentionally choose those things that bring me joy.

As I write this it’s the beginning of January. My friend, Ann Baucom, a wise and gifted woman, once told me January was her favorite time of the year. She loved the opportunity to slow down and stay in because she could look at the long range view of the months in front of her and plan her life. She was very deliberate about what was important to her and what brought her peace and joy and she took the cold, dreary month of January to envision all those opportunities that she could create to nurture herself. She presented to me a very different view of the long dark month than I had previously experienced. Certainly, I had used the opportunity of a new year to make plans and to set intentions but I hadn’t really embraced sitting with my dreams for the upcoming year and appreciated the month as a time of gestation for those dreams to grow.

I love to rise before the sun. In Clyde Edgerton’s book Walking Across Egypt he writes about how Matti Rigsbee rises before dawn and sits outside as the blackness becomes gray and then light. He describes how this is her favorite time of day. She relishes the new day and awaits the gifts it will bring with it. It’s one of my favorite passages. I could feel her peace and joy as she waited for the light of day to seep through the darkness and wash away the night. I once had the opportunity to go to one of Clyde’s readings and was delighted to hear him read the very same passage I so loved. That description completely changed my perception of how I perceived the beginning of a perfect day, rise before the sun, make a cup of tea, light a candle or in the colder months, a fire. Sit quietly, pray, write, breathe and go gently, softly into the day. The way I choose to begin my day flavors the way I live that day. The way I begin my year, flavors the way I live that year. It’s not very different, a dark morning opening into light of day or a dark month opening into a new year.

If we begin something, a day, a year, a job, a marriage, a project with an sense of excitement and joyous expectation does that make a difference in how that something proceeds? In the book The Joy of Appreciative Living, Jacqueline Kelm recommends 3 steps that can be implemented in order to increase one’s sense of joy. The first step is to write daily three gratitudes. The second step is to think of one thing every day that will bring you joy and the third step is to take fifteen minutes once a week to imagine your ideal life. The premise of the book is that if you do these exercises for 28 days, your level of happiness will increase and even if you then stop doing the exercises, your will maintain a higher level of joy than when you began the process. After beginning the program I was driving home one evening right at sunset and the sky was breathtakingly beautiful. “One gratitude to write tomorrow.” I told myself. I would have appreciated it even if I wasn’t in the process of increasing my joy but I wouldn’t have made a mental note to remember it. It was the difference between capturing the image and just noticing it in passing. I realized I had begun to look for moments of joy to record and that simple process was making me happier.

Shaun Achor has a short TED video on You Tube about using this process for your job. It was originally sent to a dear special-education teacher friend of mine by her principal. She told me looking for three gratitudes each day had the same effect on her as it did on me. Certainly, looking for joy has got to be a better approach to improving the quality of one’s life the looking for sadness or worse. One need not only look forward for joy. You get to choose what you focus on in the past. As part of a healing process my chiropractor, Joanne Noel in Chapel Hill, NC had me “reframe” an upsetting memory which she felt had twisted my body in ways I knew hurt but didn’t fully recognize. “Why choose to focus on a painful memory.” she said, “Let’s change it or better yet, delete it like an unwanted, useless email.”

Then there’s step two and three from The Joy of Appreciative Living. For many years I’ve kept a small Hallmark Calendar in my daily journal. Each morning i record one thing that brought me joy and one thing that I did to help another. This concept of planning it was new to me. it reminded me of being on a successful diet. I’ve read where one step is to write down everything you eat but an even more powerful step is to plan what you’re going to eat. With step two of The Joy of Appreciative Living I plan what I’m going to feed my spirit.

I love my life, however, I still have dreams and once again I am reminded of God’s bounty and of the truth that I cannot fathom the riches that can be found once we connect to the Divine. Why wouldn’t I institute a practice that might raise my level of joy? When I feel positive, joyful and happy I carry those emotions out into the world and while some may find them to be disarming, most seem to need and appreciate a smile, a warm greeting and even sometimes, a hug. My ideal life always includes optimal health and I work hard to maintain that state. I eat as well as I know how, I exercise daily, I take my vitamins and I don’t smoke or abuse my body. I’m invested in “dying healthy.” But, good health and an ideal life require more than care for the body, the body will cease to exist one day no matter how well I care for it. I need to focus on the spirit too. As in past “planning” January months I carefully considered what my ideal life would include. I didn’t take on any resolutions but carefully crafted ten intentions.

Pray Unceasingly
Forgive Continually
Accept and Give Love Freely
Hug Whenever Possible
Learn Constantly
Dance Often
Eat Mindfully
Recognize the Shadows
Smile Early, Laugh Daily
Be Grateful, Always and for All Things

I share them here with you so that you too may take the time to write down your ideal life. So you too may craft some intentions that will bring more light and joy into your life and into the lives of all those you love and the lives of all those your life touches.

September 15, 2012 In Uncategorized

Letting Go of Childhood Limitations

Affirmation: I let
go of my childhood limitations.

How can one be over the age of 50, 60, 70 and still be restricted
or controlled by emotions and concepts that influenced them as they were
growing up? How can one not? I’m speaking about those emotions and
concepts that deter us from true joy, that interfere with our ability to
completely savor and embrace life. And, is it even possible to release
oneself, to become an adult in one’s own right? Is it possible to grasp
the positive qualities that serve us and our loved ones and let go of those,
perhaps at least acknowledge and appreciate the experience but then let go of
those concepts that are damaging us?

Part of the creative process encouraged in Julia Cameron’s The
Artist’s Way, is an examination of what one felt was lacking in their
childhood. I was a lucky person. Looking back on my childhood I remember a lot
of freedom and amazingly, even with all that freedom, I never experienced any
trauma. My mother and my father worked
very hard and while my grandparents lived below our one bedroom apartment for
the first ten years of my life, that was about the extent of our family. My father was an only child and my mom’s
siblings were more than a decade older than her and did not live close. I grew up in Jamaica, Queens. When the city was preparing for the 1964
World’s Fair, they took down all the trees along my street, Grand Central
Parkway, and I could actually see the Empire State Building from my house.

It was not an inner city neighborhood but it was close. Most of the houses were attached brick homes
with the driveway in the back alley. We
had about ten square feet of lawn in the front and my dad paved over the back
yard so we had room to park our cars. My
mom had a clothes line that went from the second story kitchen window to a pole
out back and she hung most of our laundry out to dry. I would head out to play early in the day and
wouldn’t return until the street lights went on. We played hard. We skated, rode bikes, climbed walls and
trees. We played tag, jumped rope and
played stick ball. In the winter we ice
skated several miles from the house and rode our sleds down the back alley
driveways. No one ever seemed to come
look for us and if you can imagine, we didn’t have cell phones! We were free.
We had a lot of choices. I grew
up believing I could do anything. I
wasn’t sure what that was or where it would lead me, but there were no
boundaries for me as a child. I assumed
there wouldn’t be any for me as an adult.
Oh, I was well aware of the fact that I was a girl but when it came to
running, climbing and skating, I was equal to any boy. It wasn’t until college that I discovered
women were expected to only follow certain paths.

After Julia has you examine what you thought you lacked as a
child, she then encourages you to find ways to parent yourself, to nurture
yourself. You can’t begin to let go and
to heal until you recognize what it is you were missing. Maybe you never felt loved enough. Maybe you never felt valued enough. My parents were so busy that I never felt I
received enough affection. Of course, so
much of our childhood memories can be so skewed. I once heard the story of a young woman who
recalled a fainting episode to her mother.
She was shocked to learn she hadn’t fainted at all, it had been her
sister! But, whether or not our feelings
are based on reality or perception, doesn’t matter. They are our feelings. I can still recall childhood incidents that
make me feel sad or happy or frightened and my childhood ended more than half a
century ago. And now life moves
onward. There are times when you need to
let go of any junk you feel about your childhood. At some point if you hope to be healthy and
happy you simply need to “get over it.”

I am my mother’s main caregiver. I am very blessed because
at 90 she is still extremely healthy and independent. I’m the oldest of
three and mom chose to move near me over 15 years ago. She made the move
all by herself. She likes to be independent and self- sufficient.
It empowers her as it probably does most of us. My prayer for Mom is that
she will continue to have joy and maintain dignity as she finishes out her
life. I only want to love her and enjoy her presence. I want to be the
“good little girl” and make her happy. I want to take whatever
steps needed to help her feel better, to make her happy. I’m 66 years old
and the child in me still wants to please my mother but I know, this is a fact,
that no matter what or how much I do, I cannot please her long term. I
cannot make her happy. Sister Mary Margaret from A Place for Women to
Gather says, “Happiness is an inside job.” There is only one person who
can make us happy, us.

That’s why I create affirmations. It’s all up to me what I
think, how I perceive life, how I feel. I cannot remain the good little
girl and live frustrated and sad because of anyone. I must let go of ALL
my childhood limitations and embrace my own adult determination to create my
own happiness. Have you looked at your childhood limitations? Are
they interfering with the quality of your life? Can you too release
them? Do you want to?

A reporter went to interview a man who was very down on his
luck. He had lost everything dear to him
and had fallen into a chronic alcoholic state.
“Why do you think your life has turned out this way?” he asked. The man shared with him that his father was
an alcoholic and he never held out much hope for himself. Then the reporter went to interview the man’s
brother. He was surprised to find him
leading a very happy, successful life.
He decided to ask him the same question, “Why do you think your life has
turned out this way?” The brother said,
“Well, for heaven’s sake, my father was a chronic alcoholic. I watched him all through my childhood and
decided my life was never going to follow that path.”

Life is all about our choices.
We get to choose what lessons we want to learn from our childhood. We get to decide if we’re going to carry the
sad, remorseful feelings with us into adulthood and let them weigh us down or
if we are going to learn the lesson, release ourselves from the limitations and
grow up healthy and happy.