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Living An Unexpected Life

Affirmation:
I let go of regret.

What
did you dream your life would be like? 
Do you still have dreams and expectations about how your life will be in
the future?  It seems there’s been so
much written about “bucket lists,” things people always wanted to do
but never got around to and so they are making an extra effort to do it now
before it’s too late.  There’s been a
movie by that title and there’s a country-western song about it too.  I certainly have a list.  Mostly it involves places I’d like to see
before I die.  My husband bought me a
book called, A Thousand Places to See Before You Die. I immediately
started going through it to see where I had not been.  He was looking at it too but he was noting
all the places we’d already been, two very different perspectives.

According
to my Ennegram type, type 7, I am always looking for the next experience, the
next adventure.  My “type” is
not easily content.  I am always on the
lookout for what I might have missed.  In
some ways it makes life exciting but in other ways it can prevent me from
relishing the present, always looking forward. 
For me, dreaming and planning for the future lead me to feeling
optimistic.  I like believing there will
be a future to plan for.  But, I believe it’s
also important to let go of things we imagined might have been.

I
once mentioned to a woman that as a young woman, I had dreamed of living and
working in Manhattan.  She told me it was
never too late to pursue a dream.  I
believe that but I think sometimes it’s better to let go of some dreams.  I expected to graduate from college and head
off to NYC.  I never dreamed of being on
Broadway, I wanted to be on Wall Street. 
But, my life took me in another direction.  No, I made decisions which led me to suburbia
and even further out into rural America. 
I’ve lived in several states but I’ve never lived in “the
city.” Sometimes, I found myself fantasizing about the life I had dreamed
about.  It was very different from the
life I had.  Boy, was I good at imagining
all the wonderful experiences and adventures I would have had.

I
attended a retreat once with a woman who had six children.  She also had a sister who had become a
cloistered nun.  She told us she was much
younger than her sister and was very confused and saddened by her sister’s
choice.  She said she could only go visit
her once a year and it was so quiet and seemed so lonely.  Then, she shared that after being married for
twenty years and raising six children, she’d had many moments when she wished
she’d joined the convent.  I know she was
teasing us but there was also an element of truth in her statement.

The
story in the cartoon UP, revolves around a married couple who had a dream about
moving to an exotic country and living above the waterfalls.  Every year they saved for their travel and
every year something came along that derailed their adventure.  When the wife dies, the man who is now quite
elderly and very depressed decides it’s finally time to give it a go.  He attaches hundreds of balloons to the top
of his house and he floats away to find the waterfalls.  Once again, he’s derailed but this time he
has a new friend, a young boy who has hidden away in his house, who helps him
see the world differently.  In looking
over his wife’s “dream journal” he realizes she had added pictures to
the album that had nothing to do with their ultimate goal of moving to the
exotic location, she’s added pictures of their life together.  She’s added pictures of the adventure they’d
had, pictures of their life’s journey.

There’s
a study that shows people age better when they can let go of regret.  Carol Klein addressed this issue in her book
“Overcoming Regret.” What happens when we hang onto regret is that we
idealize a situation that may have turned out completely different from our
imagination.  Once we realize that we
don’t have a clue how something would have turned out, perhaps if we could even
imagine how horrible it might have been rather than some fantasy we’ve been
clinging to, maybe then we can let go of that regret and fully appreciate the
life we have.

The
title of Queen Noor’s book is, A Leap of Faith, Memories of an Unexpected
Life.
I wondered when I saw that title how many people have lived an
expected life.  I took a small survey and
asked several friends if they’d lived an “expected life.” I only had
one person say “yes.” What is your answer? I can tell you right now,
I never dreamed of the life I’ve lived and am now living.  Never, never did I imagine myself living in
North Carolina surrounded by my family. 
I never thought I’d travel to China or Ecuador or some of the other
amazing places I’ve been.  My life has
been a series of adventures and mysteries and it’s been great!  Once I was able to let go of the “what
might have been”, like the man in UP, I was able to appreciate what has
been.

Perhaps
the secret is not let go of our dreams, even our “bucket lists” but
to let go of expecting life to be exactly as we imagined and to embrace it as
it is, to relish all we have experienced, all we have learned.  Perhaps the secret is to treasure whatever
life has afforded us, the expected and the unexpected. 

You Only Live Once

Affirmation: Because I am open and accepting, I am invited by family and friends to join them in fun experiences.

YOLO! YOLO! YOLO! My teenage granddaughter chanted when I told her I’d go to scuba diving lessons with her. It’s so great having most of my family close by, especially my grandchildren. My granddaughter is a beautiful “child” inside and out. I’m very proud of her and of her mother’s consistent guidance and influence. It’s fun and educational to have someone her age in my life.

“What does YOLO mean?” I asked. I was told it’s an acronym forYou Only Live Once. This is not the first time she has brought me the gift of a new word or concept. She keeps me “in the loop” of current events and modern happenings. It’s certainly not essential to my well being but it’s nice to have some knowledge of present day fads.“Grandma, would you go into a shark cage? “Sure,” I replied, “as long as it’s not in the water.” “You got me!” she smiled, and then we discussed small steps towards her goal of swimming with the sharks, “Maybeyou should learn how to scuba dive first,” I said. “OK, will you go with me and learn too?” 

Well, I’m somewhat claustrophobic I must admit. I remember being in a tiny crowded elevator going up to the top of the Empire State Building and not being able to catch my breath. So, the thought of being strapped into a scuba suit and plunged into water is not very appealing. But, I’ve just been invited by my teenage granddaughter to join her on a great adventure. What would you say? “Sure,” I replied and that’s when she chanted “YOLO! YOLO! YOLO!” She went on to explain that it comes from a rap song done by someone named Drake and that I wouldn’t like the rest of the song. (I’ll take her word that’s probably true.) But, I love my new acronym and I love her.
 
I was also invited by my favorite (and only) daughter-in-law to go with her to see her family in Ecuador. I have many reasons for not wanting to be in a third world country where the economy is unstable and I don’t speak the language but I love the idea of immersing myself in the Spanish language and culture and I love my daughter-in-law. So, I said “yes” to that invitation too.

I met a group of women many years ago all of whom were widows. They had traveled to the United States from Europe. They informed me they never turned down an invitation. “If you stop saying yes, people will stop inviting you and life can become very lonely.” I listened and made up my mind right then and there that I wasn’t going to wait until I was a widow to accept the generous invitations of friends and family to join them in fun events.
I know we need to be discerning about our choices. We don’t want to be human “doings.” We want to weigh and carefully choose our options but if you’re not open to the invitations you might find there aren’t that many choices out there for you. I’m speaking here about healthy choices, not about choosing activities that are detrimental to your well being. I’m not speaking about saying “yes” to anything offered, like drugs or alcohol or other unhealthy activities. I’m talking about making your world smaller and smaller by letting fear or laziness or judgement keep you from trying new things, meeting new people and having new experiences. I have had so many experiences where I was hesitant to say say yes but did and had some of the best times of my life.

The family was once invited to a friend’s lake house for a weekend and I didn’t want to go. The thought about the amount of work it would take for me to prepare for the trip almost exhausted me before I even began. You’d think I would have already learned it’s all about the journey, not the destination. It’s about enjoying the moment, not trying to predict the future or ruminating over the past. But, I knew, I truly knew I would need to pack, buy food for ten people for 3 days, pick up the grandchildren and my mother and do all the driving for almost two hours. Then, I’d have to unpack the car and make the beds, cook dinner and then try to sleep in a strange bed in a strange place, not to mention balancing all the personalities: four grandchildren ranging in age from 11 to 16, and my mom who was in her late 80s at the time and Sandy, my husband, who hates the water or at least has a much greater respect for its dangers than I.

For heaven’s sakes, at the time I was 63 years old. I should have known by then what I wanted to do and didn’t want to do, what would make me happy and what wouldn’t. Just say “No thanks, I don’t want to do that.” I have friends that wouldn’t even consider taking on such an outing, but the invitation had come from some very dear friends and we don’t get a lot of invitations to spend time in someone else’s lake home. In fact, we’ve never gotten an invitation like this before. “Come” they said, “bring the whole family.” I felt an obligation to accept their generous offer.

I did it all, all the preparation. It wasn’t nearly as daunting as I’d imagined. We arrived right after sunset. I walked out onto the deck and there was the full moon, so big it looked artificial. My heart and soul soared and tears filled my eyes and for the next two days, I had moments of the most exquisite joy. I felt like I was on drugs, the drugs of life. I was living life to the very fullest. It brought to my mind the poem: Life said , “Come to the edge.” And I said, “No, I’m afraid. I’m weary.” And, life demanded, “Come to the edge!” and so I went and life pushed me and I flew!
 
My husband, friends, and grandchildren windsurfed, kayaked, laughed and played. My mother laughed and overcame her fear of riding in a speedboat for the first time. She was made to feel special and she loved being with everyone. Me? I was filled to the brim with gratitude and joy!
 
When I lived in Cincinnati I met some amazing people, people who became life long friends but I also met a lot of people who kept their world as small as possible. I remember a native of Cincinnati telling me they had new neighbors. When I asked if they had gone to meet them, she told me “no” she didn’t have room in her life for any more people. Oh my! I was truly floored. It never entered my mind to close the door on the possibility of meeting someone new, someone who could become a wonderful new friend.
One year my then six year old grandson went to away camp. He was so excited about going. I asked him why he was so excited and what he was most looking forward to. He told me he was excited about his new best friend. As far as I knew, he didn’t know anyone else who was going to this camp. I asked him, “What new best friend?” “The one I’m going to make.”

That’s how I want to live life. I want to believe because I am open and accepting, my new best friend is out there waiting for me to meet, or that new adventure is out there waiting for me to experience. My granddaughter is right, Drake (whoever he is) is right. YOLO! YOLO! YOLO! This is it! This is our once in a life time opportunity. Don’t let it pass you by. Say “yes.” Yes to life, yes to new experiences. Yes, yes, yes!!