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Jean A. Costa / Posts tagged "travel"
February 22, 2014 In Uncategorized

God’s Garmin

Affirmation: I am in awe of the guidance God sends me, through
people as I travel down a new and difficult path.
What is needed in order to navigate through new territory?  Lewis and Clark, Columbus and Magellan and
Dr. Livingston are a few examples of pioneers who headed out into the world
without any foreknowledge of what lied ahead and created trails for others to
follow.  There are now maps for most
anywhere one wants to go.  There is even
Google Earth, where we can examine almost every square foot of our planet
without leaving our home. 
When my daughter, Ellen, moved to London I desperately wanted to
see where she would be living but flying over there was not in our plans.  She sent me a video from Google Earth with
her apartment circled in red.  I could
then move the cursor around on the page and see everything she could see from
her front window.  It was miraculous.  Since then I have occasionally gone to the
site to see the areas where I resided when I was younger.  It was fascinating to see how the areas had
changed and to share the photos of the neighborhood with my children or with my
friends.
Yes, it seems as if the whole world is mapped out and we aren’t
in need of pioneers any longer.  Even the
moon and Mars have “rovers” with cameras on them.  Of course there is the rest of the Universe
“where no man has ever gone before.” 
I don’t believe many of us will be faced with an adventure into outer
space.  In addition to outer space,
however, there are also the Olympics. 
Right now, the 2014 Winter Olympics are taking place in Sochi
Russia.  No one needed a map to get to
Sochi and no one is following a geographical path that hasn’t been carefully
laid out but these gifted, dedicated and determined young people are definitely
blazing new trails.  The new gold medal
winner for the Men’s Snow Boarding Half Pipe, Iouri Podladtchikov, not only
performed an almost flawless run, he created and executed a new maneuver called
the YOLO.  The men and women skiers and
skaters broke all time speed records, and the Russian figure skating pairs gold
medalists Tatiana Volosozhar and Maxim Trankov, the 2013 world champions, broke
at least four world records with their performances.  There were also many other records set.  All the athletes needed guidance to reach the
peak of their skill.  They went higher
and further along the path of their craft than anyone had gone before.  Their coaches and families helped them lay
out the map for their successes.
I’ve always loved a map. 
Maybe it’s because it’s a little like a puzzle, a maze which can help
get you to your set destination.  I’ve
usually been the navigator when my husband and I traveled.  My expertise wasn’t always in evidence.  For example, from my reading of the map, I
once insisted we were are on the right road to reach the main highway when it dead-ended
in someone’s driveway.  At one time, I
used to contact AAA for little map booklets that had a different section of the
road on each page to lay out our path. 
I’m sure they don’t have them anymore. Now, my husband and I don’t use
maps at all.  First we graduated to
Map-quest and would have sheets of paper listing the twists and turns and the
distances and the estimated arrival time.  
We even used Map-quest for one of our European trips.  It was a lot easier than trying to read maps
in a foreign language.  Then we went to a
Nuvi or a Garmin and we had audible turn by turn instructions.  I must say in the beginning it would seem to
me the device would sometimes take me to my final destination by way of another
continent.  Now, we have the smart phone.
The technology now seems to be much more accurate and I can rely on it anywhere
I travel.  I’ve also become so used to
having a computer map on my dashboard that I feel “lost” when I’m in
a car without one even if I’m going around my neighborhood. Recently, however, I have had to chart a new path. 
There wasn’t a map or a Garmin for this journey.  My 91 year old mother left the hospital after
her first two surgeries ever, a hip replacement and a pacemaker and was
admitted to a rehab unit.  I needed a map
or an audio guide.  I needed any
direction and guidance that was available and there was very little “out
there.”  I did do some research on
the web to determine the best facility in the area and I did make the necessary
phone calls to make sure that’s where she was admitted but after that I felt
like I had just landed on an alien planet, not country, but a planet beyond our
solar system.  I have never been so
intimately involved in the care of a seriously ill individual, and to be honest
my mom has led a very independent lifestyle up until her fall.  I wish someone wise and experienced had taken
my hand and led me step by step down this road. 
I wish I knew in the beginning of this journey what I know
now.  I’ve prayed for years for dignity
for my mom and mother in law in their old age. 
Now, I’m seeing what dignity can look like and may not look like.  After entering the rehab, mom contracted
C.diff.  One more thing I knew nothing
about, another huge detour on the road. 
I’ve reached out to God and to everyone I know.  I actually sent an email to several of my
communities that was titled “Help!” 
Help has come and hopefully will keep coming.  Help not just for my mom but for me, the main
caregiver.  Yes, I am seeing the
blessings.  Some of the best help has
been what I now consider to be “God’s Garmin’s.”  They are all those people in the know who
have taken the time and effort to share with me what I need to be doing and in
what direction I should be going. 
When Sandy and I traveled to Ireland several years ago, we found
the most joyful part of the trip was getting lost because we would stop and ask
an always delightful, friendly Irish man or woman for directions.  We stopped once on a back road and were
invited in for tea!  That’s been my
experience here with my mom and her illness, the people who have reached out to
me explaining the path best chosen have brought clarity and joy to a very
frightening and strange road.  I’ve
decided there is very seldom an easy way through chronic illness or the dying
process but like all our adversities there are blessings to be found and usually,
they come in the form of loving, caring people who take our hands and our
hearts and lead us along the path of what we call life.  I like to think of them as God’s Garmin,
audibly directing us down the road to our final destination, Peace.
April 14, 2013 In Uncategorized

Life is a Banquet

Affirmation:  “The world is an amazing place and the more I learn about it and its inhabitants, the more I learn about myself.”

If you’ve ever been to Disney Land or Disney World you’ve probably been to the Small World ride that plays the song “It’s a Small World After All”, over and over and over.  My children always seemed to enjoy the ride but after going on it just once, I found the song to be very disturbing.

While traveling out of the country I began to think about living in a small world.  I had a tour guide hand me extra passes to the Pope’s Wednesday morning audience and say “You never know who you’ll meet.  It’s a small world, especially in Rome.”  In this instance, even with a million people there I didn’t meet anyone I knew.  I must admit I have been very far from home when I’ve been stunned to meet someone from my local area. But, for the most part, I rarely meet an acquaintance when traveling.  Mind you I meet a lot of new acquaintances, just not a lot of old ones.  And, isn’t that one of the reasons to travel? 

I traveled with Owen, my thirteen year old grandson to London to visit with my adult daughter Ellen and her fiancé, Adam.  Then Ellen, Owen and I headed to Rome.  Two years ago I took the same trip with my granddaughter, Isabelle.  She too was thirteen at the time.  After visiting London on that trip we then headed to Paris.  Yes, I feel blessed to be able to share the world with them.  I feel blessed that they want to come with me.  As Isabelle and I deplaned in Raleigh and were heading towards customs, she asked me where we were going next.  “We need to go through customs, Honey.”  “Oh no, Grandma, that’s not what I meant.”  And she smiled.  Throughout this trip, Owen has suggested I adopt a “travel buddy.”  He has suggested himself. 

When Ellen, Owen and I were in Rome, the tour guide mentioned in passing that one corner shop had “the best gelato in Rome” and that “the line for the gelato is sometimes longer than the line to enter the Vatican.”  When we finished our Vatican tour I was ready to find our way back to our hotel and rest for a while but that wasn’t Ellen’s plan.  She whipped out her trusty iPhone and located that shop.  We walked this way and that way and what did we find, the best gelato shop in Rome. So there we stood in line with a group of nuns from Albania who had also discovered the shop.  When they told us where they were from, Ellen surprised them by announcing she’d been to Albania.  The nun told her to come visit the next time she had a reason to go there.  We would have missed out on that whole experience if it wasn’t for her desire to experience it all and to have the “the best gelato in Rome.”

I have friends who have traveled all over the world.  They aren’t the least bit concerned with safety or even worse, Montezuma’s revenge and if they are concerned, well too bad, the adventure is more important than the worry.  I think of them as having a huge appetite for life.  They want to experience it all.  They don’t care if they encounter challenges along the way.  In fact, they relish the challenges.  Remember the movie Auntie Mame with Rosalind Russell? She says, “Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.”  I don’t want to starve to death.  I too want feast from the banquet of life.

What happens when one travels?  Your world becomes larger.  It’s true, life is a banquet.  There is such diversity, so many delightful flavors.  I think that’s why the Amazing Race is one of my favorite TV shows.  In it a dozen or more people travel around the world engaging in the local traditions and customs of the country they are visiting. What is of the greatest interest is not what they see or do and I certainly don’t recommend racing through any worthwhile experience.  What is of the greatest interest is what happens to one’s thinking when one steps outside of their box.  It’s what happens inside us that’s so amazing.
We get to choose whether or not we want to live inside a tiny little box, the known world or expand the box.  The world can be a scary place but at some point we will no longer be a part of it.  While we are here we should embrace the concept of living in a big space, of learning about our planet and its people and therefore, about ourselves.  It’s too easy to stay safe and comfortable and to let our world shrink to our size.  Maybe one doesn’t really need to hop a plane or a train in order to stay green and growing.  I see how small our world can become every time I visit an assisted living facility.  We get to choose if we want to eat from a buffet or have the same food over and over.  If travel is beyond your means, go to the library, go to the theatre, and borrow some travel videos.  There is no reason in this day and age to miss out on all that’s available in the world that can nourish our minds, hearts and our souls and help us to live a life of abundance and adventure, even if we’re confined physically by old age, illness or finances.

Because of Ellen’s sense of adventure we got to meet Albanian nuns.  How many people outside of Albania can claim that?  Because of my sense of adventure we got to go to Mass in St. Peter’s Basilica and view the Pieta and see Pope Francis.  Owen’s interests took us to see some of Banksy’s London street art.  Each of us journeyed to a new place.  We discovered new people, new visions, and new appreciations and therefore, we discovered more about both our outer and most important, about our inner worlds.  I’m pleased my grandchildren and I have had the opportunity to travel together.  This trip certainly wasn’t the first but the trip to Europe was the farthest, not however, the longest. The longest journey is the one we take to know ourselves better, the one within and by spending time together, especially in a foreign location, we learned a great deal about each other and about ourselves.  We not only created some amazing shared memories but we ate from the banquet of life and it was great!

August 27, 2012 In Uncategorized

Who Are These People?

Affirmation:  I am a Bold Adventuress!

When
Geraldine Lucas was 58 years old she became the first woman to climb the Grand
Teton.  She retired as a teacher in the
east and packed herself up and established a homestead in Wyoming in what is
now the Grand Tetons National Park.  In
the beginning she didn’t even have electricity or running water!  It appears from the stories I was told while
traveling through the area that women were very influential in the development
of this state and in its governing. 
 
The
brave, adventurous spirit must continue to thrive in this part of the world
because wherever Sandy and I traveled in Wyoming we found people with an
amazing sense of adventure. 
 
Pink’s
name tag had “Taiwan” printed under her name.  She was a waitress in Yellowstone National
Park.  I was in awe.  She was there just for the summer.  “You are so brave.” I
commented.  “No” she said in
very broken English “I came here with my classmate.” “How
many?” I asked.  “One.”
she answered.  Wherever we went the name
tags told us from where the seasonal employees came.  They were from faraway places like China,
Ecuador, Russia, and of course, they were also from different parts of the
United States.  I wanted to know if they
were enjoying their experience and almost all of them told me they were having
a wonderful time.  One young woman said
she couldn’t believe someone was paying her to show people the beauty of
Yellowstone.  This same young woman had
spent a few of her free days hiking and tenting in the park with another gal,
just them and their bear spray!  Another
young man said it was his 4th summer. 
“What’s not to like?  I’m
getting paid and in my free time I get to hike and fish all summer.” 
 
When my
husband and I talk about the opportunities presented to us as young people we
recognize that we simply had no knowledge of the kind of experiences that might
have been available then, that are available to people today, all people.
 
We met
some of the coolest adults while traveling through the National Parks.  Did you know people of all ages work as
seasonal workers in the parks?  And, the
most fascinating part, for me, is everyone I spoke with was having a wonderful
time.  It was the 14th year of service
for one of the seasonal rangers we met. The first time I met an older adult who
worked in the parks was in Yosemite. 
Sandy and I went to a Sunday service in the tiny church in the
park.  At one point we were encouraged to
greet the other people attending the service and to chat with each other.  One woman we greeted told us she and her
husband were seasonal workers.  They had
sold their home and all of its contents, bought an RV and each year since, they
had chosen a different park to work in during the summer.  My eyes were as big as quarters as I
listened.  My husband looked
shocked.  I think he was afraid I was
going to head home and begin the process of becoming a National Park gypsy. 
 
One of
our guides shared with us the story of how he met his wife.  It was July in Alaska and he was doing
research, out in the wild all by himself. 
He was a professor of geology at one of the universities up there and in
the summers he trekked through the wilderness for weeks on end collecting
samples.  The weather turned unusually
cold and it began to snow. He was concerned about getting back to civilization
when he heard voices off in the distance. 
He could see through his binoculars that three people were huddled
around a fire with a raft pulled up onto the shore.  As he was looking through his binoculars, one
of the women on the river trip was looking through her binoculars; their eyes
met and it was love at first sight.  They
had been married 14 years at the time of his story.  He said his friends were right when they told
him it would be “a snowy day in July” before he met someone who would
marry him. He went onto say she saved him in more ways than one.  He wasn’t sure he would have made it out of
the wilderness if he hadn’t met up with them and their raft.  His wife to be and two friends had been
dropped off at the top of a seldom traveled river with a pickup date and time
scheduled for two weeks later.  It was
quite a daring thing to do but it wasn’t her first trek into the unknown.  As a young single mother she had gone to live
with friends, saved all her money and had taken her 12 year old son on a 2 year
trek around the world in a van.
 
Who are
these people?  It’s all I can think to
ask when I meet these adventurous spirits. 
It’s all I can think to ask when I read and hear about the pioneers of
the past.  I believe there’s a fine line
between bravery and stupidity.  Sometimes
I think the only way to know which side of the line one is on, is afterwards,
by the results of one’s actions.  If you
enter into a dangerous situation and you come through unscathed or stronger for
it, you might be considered brave.  If
you don’t come through, you’ll probably be considered stupid.  But, don’t all pioneers begin their journeys
on paths unknown and untested?  Where
would we be without people willing to step way outside of their comfort zones?
 
In the
Grand Tetons we also had the opportunity to watch several para-gliders come off
one of the mountains and soar above us as they came to land at our feet.  It was mesmerizing to watch.  I was ready to give it a try, next time, but
once again, the question arose, “Who are these people?” Who was the
first one to step off the mountain with a parachute attached to them?  Were they brave or were they dumb?  Does it matter? If no one is willing to go
out and see and try that which is new, there would be no growth.  Think of all we would be missing today?
 
I for one
am grateful for the spirit that takes people to places unknown.  I am grateful for those in our society who
are willing to challenge themselves so that those of us who are not as
adventurous or as spirited, get to follow in their footsteps, get to see and
enjoy and experience things we might never have had the opportunity to
experience except that they paved the way for us. They are our forefathers and
our foremothers and they are those who are still with us, the students and
seasonal workers of our parks and perhaps those amazing people within our
circles who also help us broaden our horizons because of their bravery and
courage.
 
This, for
me, is the blessing of travel.  I get to
see the world differently than I would have had I stayed home in my cozy little
world.  I get to meet people and hear
stories I’d never have met or heard if I were afraid to venture outside of my
comfort zone.  It’s true, I wasn’t the to
first step off the mountain and try to soar; I am not the one living in a tent
and listening for bears; I’m not the one rafting down an unknown river or even
taking a new job in an unfamiliar location but I am the one enjoying the fruits
of all these pioneers because I am the one, perhaps a lot like you, that did
travel to unknown places both out in the world and then, even more importantly,
inside to within, to my heart and to my spirit to discover that maybe there
have been at least a few times in my life and maybe more, when I could answer,
“I am one of those people.” 
May 26, 2012 In Uncategorized

Living An Unexpected Life

Affirmation:
I let go of regret.

What
did you dream your life would be like? 
Do you still have dreams and expectations about how your life will be in
the future?  It seems there’s been so
much written about “bucket lists,” things people always wanted to do
but never got around to and so they are making an extra effort to do it now
before it’s too late.  There’s been a
movie by that title and there’s a country-western song about it too.  I certainly have a list.  Mostly it involves places I’d like to see
before I die.  My husband bought me a
book called, A Thousand Places to See Before You Die. I immediately
started going through it to see where I had not been.  He was looking at it too but he was noting
all the places we’d already been, two very different perspectives.

According
to my Ennegram type, type 7, I am always looking for the next experience, the
next adventure.  My “type” is
not easily content.  I am always on the
lookout for what I might have missed.  In
some ways it makes life exciting but in other ways it can prevent me from
relishing the present, always looking forward. 
For me, dreaming and planning for the future lead me to feeling
optimistic.  I like believing there will
be a future to plan for.  But, I believe it’s
also important to let go of things we imagined might have been.

I
once mentioned to a woman that as a young woman, I had dreamed of living and
working in Manhattan.  She told me it was
never too late to pursue a dream.  I
believe that but I think sometimes it’s better to let go of some dreams.  I expected to graduate from college and head
off to NYC.  I never dreamed of being on
Broadway, I wanted to be on Wall Street. 
But, my life took me in another direction.  No, I made decisions which led me to suburbia
and even further out into rural America. 
I’ve lived in several states but I’ve never lived in “the
city.” Sometimes, I found myself fantasizing about the life I had dreamed
about.  It was very different from the
life I had.  Boy, was I good at imagining
all the wonderful experiences and adventures I would have had.

I
attended a retreat once with a woman who had six children.  She also had a sister who had become a
cloistered nun.  She told us she was much
younger than her sister and was very confused and saddened by her sister’s
choice.  She said she could only go visit
her once a year and it was so quiet and seemed so lonely.  Then, she shared that after being married for
twenty years and raising six children, she’d had many moments when she wished
she’d joined the convent.  I know she was
teasing us but there was also an element of truth in her statement.

The
story in the cartoon UP, revolves around a married couple who had a dream about
moving to an exotic country and living above the waterfalls.  Every year they saved for their travel and
every year something came along that derailed their adventure.  When the wife dies, the man who is now quite
elderly and very depressed decides it’s finally time to give it a go.  He attaches hundreds of balloons to the top
of his house and he floats away to find the waterfalls.  Once again, he’s derailed but this time he
has a new friend, a young boy who has hidden away in his house, who helps him
see the world differently.  In looking
over his wife’s “dream journal” he realizes she had added pictures to
the album that had nothing to do with their ultimate goal of moving to the
exotic location, she’s added pictures of their life together.  She’s added pictures of the adventure they’d
had, pictures of their life’s journey.

There’s
a study that shows people age better when they can let go of regret.  Carol Klein addressed this issue in her book
“Overcoming Regret.” What happens when we hang onto regret is that we
idealize a situation that may have turned out completely different from our
imagination.  Once we realize that we
don’t have a clue how something would have turned out, perhaps if we could even
imagine how horrible it might have been rather than some fantasy we’ve been
clinging to, maybe then we can let go of that regret and fully appreciate the
life we have.

The
title of Queen Noor’s book is, A Leap of Faith, Memories of an Unexpected
Life. I wondered when I saw that title how many people have lived an
expected life.  I took a small survey and
asked several friends if they’d lived an “expected life.” I only had
one person say “yes.” What is your answer? I can tell you right now,
I never dreamed of the life I’ve lived and am now living.  Never, never did I imagine myself living in
North Carolina surrounded by my family. 
I never thought I’d travel to China or Ecuador or some of the other
amazing places I’ve been.  My life has
been a series of adventures and mysteries and it’s been great!  Once I was able to let go of the “what
might have been”, like the man in UP, I was able to appreciate what has
been.

Perhaps
the secret is not let go of our dreams, even our “bucket lists” but
to let go of expecting life to be exactly as we imagined and to embrace it as
it is, to relish all we have experienced, all we have learned.  Perhaps the secret is to treasure whatever
life has afforded us, the expected and the unexpected. 
May 19, 2012 In Uncategorized

Love is Your Only Job

There
are many asanas (poses) in yoga that are designed to help one open their
heart.  For example, any sort of back
bend will put you in a position where your chest is raised towards the sky.  Even a slight back bend opens the heart as in
Fish pose.  In the book Eat Pray Love,
Liz Gilbert tells a story about a man she meets in the ashram in India who
shares he’s been seeking an open heart. 
She asks him what motivated him to come to the ashram and he tells her
he kept asking God to “open his heart.” One day he had a heart attack
and his heart was literally opened.  One
need not have surgery to create a more open heart.  There are many more gentle ways to accomplish
this worthwhile trait.

Many
years ago when my children were younger I found myself struggling with one
particular incident.  I felt very hurt by
this episode and was sharing it with a good friend.  It really wasn’t such a big deal looking back
on it but at the time I was upset and I felt I was justified in my complaining.  So, there I was moaning about the
situation.  She listened and then gave me
some of the best advice I have ever had in my whole life.  She said, “Remember, Jean, your only job
is to love.”
As
a journaler who has written three pages every morning for the last 20 years, I
have many many journals boxed up.  Every
time I begin a new journal I transfer a few things to the front paper pockets
and the beginning pages.  I transfer my
intentions for the year, my daily prayers, my list of people I am presently
praying for and my positive affirmations. 
I also write on the inside of the front cover, “Remember, Jean,
your only job is to love.” 
I
believe that with all my heart.  It’s the
main message Jesus Christ came to give us. 
When he was asked; Mt 22:36 “[Jesus], which is the great commandment in
the law?” He said to them, ‘’You shall love the Lord your God with all your
heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and
first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as
yourself. On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets.” 
Why
do some people seem to have a greater capacity to love than others?  Do you think it’s because of their DNA or is
it because of their upbringing?  Is it
“nature” or “nurture”? 
It’s probably like most of our traits, it’s a combination of both.  But, can we learn to love more, love greater?  Can we be people who can love no matter
what?  You’ve heard the stories about
people who forgive their worst enemies. 
Can you learn to love an enemy? 
Can one learn to separate the sinner from the sin?
I’ve
been very lucky in my life.  I married a
man who has a huge heart.  I believe he
was genetically predisposed to being a loving, kind man and then, he had the
additional advantage of having amazing parents who showed him by example
exactly what unconditional love is, especially his mother. I have never heard
my mother-in-law say anything, ever, that was derogatory about another human
being, and especially about someone in her family.  My husband teases that if we had a bank
robber in the family his mom would say, “He’s the best bank robbed
ever!”
On
my travels through Ecuador, I was kissed in three weeks more times than I have
been kissed in three years.  Almost
everyone I met gave me a kiss on the cheek and a warm hug.  One day we went to the soccer practice of my
consuegra’s (my daughter-in-law’s mother) granddaughter.  Six of us sat in the bleachers watching her
practice, her three grandparents, her aunt, my son and myself.  When the girls were finished practicing the
entire team came up to the stands to greet us. 
I watched these teenage girls start down the row kissing and greeting
all the grandparents, then they kissed the aunt.  I thought they’d stop at that point and was
amazed when they continued on to kiss my son and then me, two people they
“didn’t know from Adam.”
I
know it was a cultural response to greet us all in that manner but at thispoint
in my travels I’d been greeted like this for several weeks.  Greeted and welcomed into people’s homes,
lives and in some cases into their hopes and dreams.  As far as I could see these people in this
culture responded with more affection and respect than I normally experienced.  I had the honor of being hosted by my consuegra
and I can share with you that the hugs and warm daily greetings and goodnights
were freely shared with anyone who happens to be in her home.
When
I first received the directive to love no matter what, I remember thinking,
“I can do that.” But, I must admit it is easier said than done.  There are many in my life that I find very
easy to love and there are some I struggle to love.  Some days I feel like my heart is closed and
hard.  When I am aware of that state, I
engage my breath to help me open up.  I
take several deep breaths and visualize my heart expanding in my chest, like a
red balloon.  I’ve also done many other
“open heart” mediations.  These
mediations usually involve inviting loving thoughts and feelings into one’s
heart.  First, you invite those who you
find easy to love, then you invite someone you may be struggling with and
finally, you invite yourself.  You take
the time to allow each person to rest within the warmth of your bosom and then
you release them and yourself out into the universe, full of light and warmth
and wonderful energy, a release that blesses you, them and the world.
I
believe we can learn to love more fully, more deeply, unconditionally.  But, I think there’s a secret.  I don’t think we need to be born into a
family of warm blooded Latinos or Italians. 
It’s nice if we’re born into a loving, affectionate family.  It probably makes it easier but the secret is
to learn to accept love, to believe you are worthy of love, to believe that you
are truly loved, loved for who you are because you are and not for any other
reason.  We need to believe we are loved,
loved first and foremost by God.  We need
to know without a doubt that we are amazing wonderful beings who deserve to be
loved.  Once we can fully embrace that
concept, we can open our heart to receive and then to give that which we have
received.  If we don’t accept it, we
can’t, it is impossible, to give it out. 
It’s like filling up the car with gas. 
If you don’t open the gas cap and let the gas flow in, you won’t be able
to go anywhere.  You’ll be stuck in one
place, empty and dried out.
What
if you approached everyone in life with the thought, “Remember, (your
name), your only job is to love.”? What kind of an effect would that have
on your relationships, on you, on your life? 
What kind of an effect would that have on our world? 
April 7, 2012 In Uncategorized

Keeping Out of the Cave of Phantoms

Affirmation:  When I stay focused on the present moment, my life is richer and less stressful.
A trip looms in the future, a trip to another continent, a third world country.  I know how lucky I am to have this opportunity and I am excited about it but if I am I not vigilant I walk into the “cave of phantoms” and it is both dark and frightening.  
I am no stranger to fear and anxiety.  I can clearly remember the first time it raised its ugly head and entered into my life.  I was an older student returning to UNC to do a Masters in Social Work.  I have never considered myself to be a gifted student.  My accomplishments come more from a gift of perseverance and perhaps even the naive assumption that I can do anything if I decide to do it and stick to it.  So, I took a bunch of baby steps to arrive in this Master’s program.  
My first step was to sign up for a GRE review course.  Other than the fee, there was nothing intimidating about it.  I was simply going to see what I might learn.  It was fun.  So, I thought, “I’ll take the exam.  Why not?”  And, to my amazement I did pretty well.  “Well, I might as well apply to a program.”  I had a dear friend who had just gotten her MSW and the subject was of great interest to me.  I filled in the application for the part time program and within a short period of time, I was accepted.  I later learned they had hundreds of applications.  They accepted 23 people and I was one of them.  There I sat that first day with 22 other people all of whom seemed to have been in the field before.  I had been a math major and a teacher.  What was I doing here?  But, I believed God had a plan for me.  I didn’t have a clue what it was but I was willing to be His/Her tool and it appeared a door had opened and I chose to step through.  It took me five years to complete the degree but I did it.

But, being back in school with all the tests, assignments and internships (62 credit hours) and final exams, took its toll on me.  I would have days when I felt like I’d had ten cups of coffee but I hadn’t.  I’d awaken shaking inside and all my tools that I’d developed over the years didn’t seem to help in anyway.  I actually experienced several anxiety attacks but lucky for me, I was studying exactly what I was dealing with and so I could easily diagnose myself and get help.  Since then, anxiety had visited me on (and luckily) off many times.  I see it.  I know it but so often, I can do nothing to alleviate it except to know, it will pass.  Then, I saw a television commercial about the end of the world.  

The rumor is the world is ending (again) when the Mayan calendar ends, December 21, 2012.  The commercial was for retirement insurance and it pointed out that if the world was ending as predicted, you didn’t need insurance but just in case it isn’t, you might want to still be prepared.  
I fully recognize that I am mortal.  Besides being a cancer survivor and being an active part of both the Duke Cancer Patient Support and the Preston Robert Tisch Brain Tumor Advisory Boards, I was a Hospice patient care volunteer and did my first MSW internship with Hospice of Wake County.  I lost my father when I was 36 and all of these factors have combined to create in me a heightened sense of awareness that I may be only one breath away from the next life.  I try to keep that thought with me at all times for both myself and for my loved ones. 
So, when the insurance commercial came on it really made an impact on me.  I don’t know why perhaps it was simply the way it was portrayed; it was whimsical and silly but it also presented a very real possibility.  We are spinning through space on one of billions of planets among billions of solar systems.  We’ve all seen the disaster movies about comets hitting the earth, or the sun getting too close or too far or our axis slightly tilting and sending us all floating into outer space.  It’s true.  Any day now, the planet could implode or even more likely, we could die in a car crash or some other common accident. 

If you ever get a chance, go to the Newseum in Washington, DC.  It is six floors of everything pertaining to the news as it was and as we now know it.  It’s filled with fascinating exhibits and interactive experiences.  On the main floor is the antennas from the top of the south building of the World Trade Center and on the wall are the front pages of all the major newspapers announcing the events of September 11, 2001.  There’s a reminder that we don’t have a clue what’s facing us from moment to moment, no less far out into the future. 

The Buddhist tells us to “imagine the glass broken.”  He reminds us that life as we know it is fragile and temporary.  It’s not morbid.  It brings us a greater realization of the preciousness of what we have.  We need to treasure it.
Now, whenever anxiety arises I think only of the present moment.  I completely let go of the unknown or perhaps dreaded future.  Why should I be anxious or worry about something that may never take place.  Not that I will necessarily die and my future will end but I can only plan for whatever it is I want to happen, after that my future, my days are in the hands of God.  I haven’t got a clue what they will bring and because of that thought, I find myself at peace.  The anxiety seeps away.  I recall Shakespeare, “Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once.”  Yes, I may be here for another 30 years or more.  The world may last for centuries to come but none of that is any concern of mine.  The future is just that, a world unknown and I will not allow myself to be afraid of the phantoms I may never meet.